The different faces of silence
The different faces of silence
How can we learn to recognize the different faces of silence? How can we protect ourselves from those who use silence to create harmful relationships? What can online therapy do?
Among forms of human communication, one of the most important—and with many faces—is precisely silence.
According to the theory of the five axioms of human communication described in 1967 by Paul Wazlawick in his book Pragmatics of Human Communication, the first axiom of communication is “It is impossible not to communicate.”
Silence, in fact, always has something to communicate: pauses are important, they enrich meaning and information; in other cases, however, “non-communication” can take the form of manipulation, emotional blackmail, improper or passive-aggressive communication. It is therefore necessary to learn to decode the various facets of silence.
Different uses of silence:
- silence to create an atmosphere of peace and relaxation: at times silence can simply be generated to relax, to recreate a comfortable and calm environment;
- silence as an inability to formulate a response: sometimes one does not know what to answer to a question or a statement, or how to connect to a topic; therefore the pause of silence is an automatic mechanism connected to the inability to find an answer (very often it is also a form of intelligence to choose to be silent rather than to state false or confused information);
- silence as a weapon of manipulation: at times silence has nothing to do with relaxed atmospheres or lack of answers but, on the contrary, lends itself to becoming a form of co-communication to manipulate someone, to punish them with the absence of words, depriving them of a discussion or of our attention. This, or similar circumstances such as “pouting,” or pretending to have “forgotten” someone’s presence, turn out to be immature ways of using silence in relationships;
- silence in passive-aggressive communication: here too silence is used as a punitive device or to create obstructionism. The person is angry or resentful about something but does not take responsibility for saying what they feel and for using assertive communication, thus preferring not to react and to punish with silence (keeping quiet, answering with monosyllables, withdrawing greetings, pretending not to hear/see the other…), in the hope that others will notice their anger, or to gain power over the other by rendering them powerless through emotional blackmail that generates emptiness and the impossibility of defending oneself, thereby hindering the exchange of communication (sometimes without giving explanations).
Silence or dialogue?
Both silence and dialogue are two essential modes in communication. Silence, however, must be used assertively and never to punish or blackmail the other, much less to express dissent and frustration through manipulative acts.
It is also important, however, that communication takes place when both parties feel ready to do so. Choosing to adopt silence in order to process a problem or a sense of discomfort is not a wrong choice. In silence it is indeed possible to go deeper, to listen to oneself, to clarify one’s ideas, to distance oneself from what happened, to let anger cool down.
After this moment, however—when we have stated that we want to take some time and to open up to the other at a later moment—it is good to act with maturity, not avoiding a confrontation. It is necessary to give ourselves the possibility to communicate the reasons for our choices or our frustration, also giving the other the possibility to communicate with us, always remembering the reciprocity of responsibility in any relationship whatsoever.
Silence, therefore, is important—just as deciding to engage in dialogue is—but only at the right moment for both parties.
What can online therapy do?
Online therapy can first of all help analyze relational dynamics, provide the right foundations for communicating more assertively and learning to overcome conflicts, as well as to exit relationships or circumstances that are toxic—based on non-growth, punitive silence, manipulation, or passive-aggressive communication; thus learning both to communicate correctly in order to resolve problems and to defend oneself from harmful people and environments.
For information, write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, WhatsApp contact: 370 32 17 351.
