The wound of humiliation: “the masochist”
The wound of humiliation: “the masochist”
What mask does someone with the wound of humiliation wear? What are the coping strategies? What can online therapy do?
Studies by Evelin Lindner (2001) highlight how humiliation can be understood as an often-overlooked trauma, a kind of “invisible wound” that nonetheless profoundly impacts self-perception and one’s sense of self. Similarly, other research explores related emotions, such as shame and embarrassment, which are closely intertwined with humiliating experiences, creating a vortex of negative and self-deprecating feelings. These dynamics, though complex, represent the first steps toward understanding the phenomenon and its repercussions on individuals’ emotional and psychological well-being.
Humiliation can be particularly intense when it strikes areas of our identity that are already vulnerable or insecure. For example, an individual with low self-esteem may perceive a humiliating experience as confirmation of their inadequacy. Humiliation often manifests in situations where a person feels they have lost others’ respect or their own social status. The sensation of being exposed, devalued, or publicly mocked can heighten the intensity of the emotional wound.
A distinctive element of humiliation is the sense of powerlessness. Humiliated people often feel trapped, unable to react or defend their dignity. This inability to respond amplifies the sense of vulnerability. The humiliated individual may experience an internal conflict, oscillating between the desire to withdraw to avoid further humiliation and the need to assert themselves. This conflict can generate stress and emotional confusion. Humiliation is closely tied to shame and guilt. Rowland S. Miller (1995) explores how shame, which arises when one perceives being seen negatively by others, is a central element of humiliation. Guilt may emerge if the humiliated person begins to believe they somehow deserved the humiliation.
Humiliation can lead to a sense of isolation and disconnection from others. The fear of further humiliating experiences may make it difficult to trust others and build authentic relationships. How an individual reacts and adapts after a humiliating experience can vary greatly. Some may internalize the experience, leading to self-esteem problems. Others may develop defense mechanisms, such as anger or aggressiveness, as a way of protecting themselves from further wounds. In some cases, a humiliating experience can lead to a process of reflection and personal growth. The individual may reconsider their priorities, strengthen their resilience, and learn strategies to better manage similar situations in the future.
Elison, J., Lennon, R., & Pulos, S. (2006) identify four different coping strategies that individuals use in response to humiliation: withdrawal (pulling away from others), avoidance (removing oneself from the situation), attack self (self-criticism), and attack others (aggressiveness). Thus, humiliation is associated with a greater tendency toward negative coping strategies.
The wound of humiliation and childhood
The childhood of a person who has suffered the wound of humiliation may be characterized by various experiences and relational dynamics that contribute to the development of this specific kind of emotional suffering. It is important to understand that there is no single “formula” or scenario that determines the wound of humiliation, and each individual’s experiences may vary significantly.
However, there are some common situations and behaviors that can contribute to creating this wound:
- Rejection or constant criticism: A child who is constantly criticized, mocked, or rejected by parents, caregivers, or peers may internalize a sense of shame and humiliation.
- Negative comparisons: Being constantly unfavorably compared with siblings, peers, or unrealistic expectations can lead the child to feel inadequate or humiliated.
- Bullying or social exclusion: Experiencing bullying or being excluded from social groups can be powerful sources of humiliation.
- High, unmet expectations: Some children may be pressured to meet extremely high expectations and, when unable to reach these standards, may feel humiliated.
- Humiliating punishments: Harsh, public, or degrading punishments can leave lasting emotional scars.
- Emotional neglect: Sometimes, the lack of attention or emotional care can make a child feel overlooked and unwanted, contributing to the wound of humiliation.
- Ridiculing emotional expression: If a child is mocked or punished for expressing emotions or vulnerability, they may learn to associate such expressions with feelings of humiliation.
- Public embarrassment: Traumatic or embarrassing episodes occurring in public can be particularly humiliating for a child.
The “masochist” mask
The wound of humiliation can lead to behaviors and attitudes that manifest as what is identified as the “masochist mask.” This mask is a set of defense mechanisms and behavioral patterns that a person adopts, often unconsciously, to cope with the inner pain stemming from past experiences of humiliation and rejection. In this context, the term “masochist” does not strictly refer to masochism in the sexual sense, but rather to a broader behavioral model in which an individual seems to seek out, tolerate, or remain trapped in situations that are in some way humiliating or painful.
Adopting the masochist mask can be seen as an attempt to manage and control the suffering caused by the wound of humiliation. In practice, through masochistic tendencies, the individual may try to make sense of the pain experienced and to control it proactively, though in a self-destructive way. This can lead to a series of self-limiting and self-harming behaviors that significantly impact the individual’s quality of life and interpersonal relationships.
The manifestation of the masochist mask may result from traumatic childhood experiences or humiliating episodes lived during critical moments of personal development. In such cases, the person may have internalized a sense of unworthiness or inadequacy, which then shapes their self-perception and interactions with others.
The masochist mask in people with the wound of humiliation may include some of the following aspects:
- Self-denigration: The individual may have low self-esteem and tend to speak negatively about themselves, downplaying their successes and highlighting their failures.
- Seeking humiliating situations: Some people may unconsciously seek out or remain in situations where they are humiliated or mistreated, because this confirms their negative self-beliefs.
- Difficulty setting boundaries: The person may struggle to say no or to set clear boundaries, allowing others to take advantage of them.
- Silent suffering: There may be a tendency to endure pain or humiliation quietly, without seeking help or support.
- Excessive self-sacrifice: The individual may devote themselves excessively to the needs of others, neglecting their own needs and desires.
- Guilt and shame: The person may feel constantly guilty or ashamed of their actions, even when there is no clear reason for such feelings.
- Approval-seeking: The individual may constantly seek others’ approval or validation, often at the expense of their own authenticity.
What can online therapy do?
The wound of humiliation can become an integral part of an individual’s identity and influence the way they perceive themselves and the world around them. Overcoming the wound of humiliation requires a process of introspection, self-work, and, at times, professional support.
The first step is to recognize and accept the presence of the humiliation wound. It is important to allow yourself to feel the pain without judgment and without minimizing it.
Online therapy can help in understanding the roots of humiliation, reflecting on the situations or relationships that caused the wound, and offering a clear perspective on one’s personal history. In addition, therapeutic work will focus on reframing the interpretation of humiliating events. This may include recognizing one’s innocence or identifying external factors that contributed to the event.
Through therapy, individuals work on strengthening self-esteem and a sense of authenticity, which can help reduce vulnerability to humiliation. Practices of self-compassion and positive affirmations can be particularly useful tools.
Online therapy also supports the development of resilience, teaching how to bounce back positively in the face of adversity and how not to internalize humiliation. In some cases, the process of forgiving oneself or those who caused the wound can be liberating. This does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person, but rather freeing oneself from the burden of humiliation.
Another fundamental aspect of therapy is learning to set clear and assertive boundaries to prevent future humiliating situations.
Moreover, it is important—through therapeutic work—to create the conditions to receive support from friends and family. This can help build a safe and accepting environment that fosters the healing of the emotional wound of humiliation.
Participation is also recommended in the “online psychotherapy group for adults who were victims of childhood abuse” organized by Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
👉 Psychotherapy group for adults victims of childhood abuse – Dr. Jessica Zecchini
References:
- Elison J,, Lennon R., Pulos S. (2006). Investigating the Compass of shame:: The development of the compass of shame scale. Social Behavior and personality: an international journal, Volume 34, Number 3,pp. 221-238(18).
- Miller, R. S. (1995). On the nature of embarrassability: Shyness, social evaluation, and social skill. Journal of Personality, 63(2), 315-339.
- Lindner, E. G. (2001). Humiliation: Trauma that has been overlooked. Traumatology, 7(1), 32-43.
- Tracy, J. L., & Robins, R. W. (2004). Putting the self into self-conscious emotions: A theoretical model. Psychological Inquiry, 15(2), 103-125.
For information, write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, WhatsApp: 370 32 17 351
