Shadow and projection: the hidden root of sudden dislikes
Shadow and projection: the hidden root of sudden dislikes
How much of what we see in others truly belongs to them, and how much is our shadow speaking? What can online therapy do?
Have you ever found yourself feeling an immediate dislike toward someone, without being able to explain why?
Maybe that person has done nothing concrete to you, and yet something about them bothers you, irritates you, or makes you uncomfortable.
These episodes — which we sometimes dismiss as “gut feelings” — can actually reveal much more than they seem. Behind certain sudden emotional reactions there is often a deep and complex mechanism at work: that of the shadow and projection, two core concepts of Carl Gustav Jung’s analytical psychology.
The shadow, according to Jung, represents everything about ourselves that we do not want to see: emotions, thoughts, desires, impulses that we judge unacceptable or incompatible with the image we want to present to the world.
When these parts remain repressed, they do not disappear — instead, they continue to live within us, finding new ways to manifest themselves. One of these ways is precisely projection: attributing to others what we are unable or unwilling to recognize in ourselves.
Thus, the anger, envy, arrogance, or fragility that we do not accept become, suddenly, “flaws” that we notice and judge in others. In reality, those characteristics awaken something that belongs to us, even if we do not want to admit it. This is why, at times, certain people irritate us “for no reason”: they are unconsciously touching a part of our shadow.
The aim of this article is precisely to help you understand these psychological dynamics, offering tools of awareness to recognize and integrate your shadow.
Together we will discover:
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what the shadow really is and how it forms,
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how the mechanism of projection works,
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why certain relationships or encounters awaken intense emotional reactions in us,
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and above all, how to transform these experiences into opportunities for growth and authenticity.
Recognizing the shadow does not mean judging ourselves, but learning to know ourselves more deeply.
Because every emotion, even the uncomfortable ones, can become a precious guide toward a more conscious life and more genuine relationships.
When the other becomes our mirror: the mechanism of projection
We often think we know ourselves well, but the truth is that there are parts of our personality that we prefer not to see. Traits we judge unacceptable, emotions that make us uncomfortable, thoughts that do not fit the “coherent” or “positive” image we want to present. And yet, everything we repress does not disappear: it remains in our unconscious, waiting to find a way to emerge.
One of the most subtle and fascinating ways in which the unconscious makes itself heard is projection. This psychological mechanism consists in attributing to others what we cannot or do not want to recognize in ourselves. In other words, we move outward — onto the other — internal contents that cause us discomfort or that contradict the image we have of ourselves.
Thus, a person who does not accept their own anger will tend to see the world as full of aggressive people. Someone who represses their ambition will perceive others as opportunistic or arrogant. Those who cannot tolerate their own vulnerability may judge others as “too sensitive” or “weak.” It is a way of defending ourselves from what we do not want to face within: if the problem is outside, we do not have to look at it inside.
Projection functions as a psychological defense, a mechanism that protects the ego from direct contact with emotions and impulses it considers dangerous or unacceptable. However, this protection comes at a cost: it distances us from reality and from authentic relationships. When we project, we no longer see the other for who they truly are, but for what they represent of us. The other becomes a distorting mirror, a reflection of our inner shadows.
This is why some people trigger disproportionate emotional reactions in us, whether positive or negative. We are not reacting so much to what they do, but to what they symbolically represent for us. And the stronger our reaction, the deeper the content that person is awakening within us.
Recognizing the mechanism of projection is not easy: it requires courage and honesty toward oneself. But when we begin to ask ourselves “why does this person irritate me so much?” or “what is this awakening inside me?”, we begin a path of integration and awareness.
It is at that moment that the mirror ceases to be a threat and becomes an ally: it helps us see parts of ourselves that, once welcomed, can transform into precious resources for our growth.
Sudden dislike: when the other awakens what we do not want to see
Sometimes all it takes is a look, a word, or a simple gesture to feel an unease that is hard to explain. It is as if something inside us suddenly activates, generating an emotional reaction disproportionate to the real situation. This experience, common and often underestimated, is what in psychology we might define as a “call of the unconscious.” Behind a sudden dislike, there is almost always an inner message asking to be listened to.
When someone irritates or disturbs us for no apparent reason, it is likely that they are touching — without knowing it — a part of ourselves that we do not want to recognize. The other becomes the mirror that reflects a hidden trait, an emotion, or a need that we have relegated to the shadow. And the further that part is from our awareness, the more intense the emotional reaction we experience.
Think, for example, of when we are bothered by someone who seems overly self-confident: often it is not their confidence itself that upsets us, but the fact that it awakens our own insecurity or an unexpressed desire to feel just as strong. Or when we perceive someone as “too emotional” or “dramatic”: in reality, that person may be showing us the part of ourselves that we struggle to accept — the more sensitive, needy, or wounded side.
The emotions that emerge — anger, irritation, annoyance, even hatred or rejection — are not signs of weakness, but precious clues. Every time we react intensely, our unconscious is pointing to a wound that has not yet been integrated. It is as if a part of us were knocking at the door saying: “Look at me, I exist too.” But instead of welcoming it, we push it away by projecting it outward.
This mechanism explains why some relationships feel “difficult” or “charged” from the very beginning. It is not the other person in themselves who is the problem, but what the other awakens within us. The encounter with the other is, ultimately, always also an encounter with ourselves: their words, their attitudes, and even their silences can become mirrors reflecting our blind spots.
Recognizing this does not mean blaming ourselves, but taking a step toward awareness. It means understanding that every relational emotion, even the most uncomfortable one, is a possibility for growth. Sudden dislike can then transform from an automatic reaction into a tool for deep knowledge: a signal inviting us to explore our inner world and to reconcile the parts of ourselves that are still asking to be seen.
When the shadow divides: the invisible wounds of relationships
Every time we fail to recognize our shadow, we risk building relationships on a distorted reality. Instead of seeing the other for who they are, we observe them through the filter of our projections, fears, and expectations. This can become a profound obstacle to authentic communication, because we are no longer coming into contact with the real person, but with the image our mind has created of them.
The first effect of this mechanism is often difficulty in interpersonal relationships. When we project onto others the parts of ourselves that we do not accept, the relationship becomes the battlefield of our inner tensions. We become irritated, feel misunderstood, accuse or defend ourselves, but in reality we are reacting to something that belongs to us.
For example, those who do not accept their own tendency toward control may perceive the other as “intrusive” or “dominant.” Those who struggle to express their needs may feel constantly “neglected.” In this way, the encounter with the other is no longer a dialogue, but a silent struggle between two unconscious minds reflecting each other.
Projections generate conflicts and misunderstandings because they lead us to interpret neutral behaviors as personal attacks, or to read intentions into others’ words that do not actually exist. It takes very little to trigger a chain of emotional reactions: we feel offended, betrayed, disappointed, and we respond to what we believe we have suffered. Meanwhile, the other, who perceives our reaction as unjust or disproportionate, withdraws in turn, fueling a vicious cycle of mutual misunderstanding.
Over time, this process can lead to emotional distancing. When projection dominates the relationship, there is no longer space for truly knowing the other. People meet, but they do not truly see each other. They judge, defend themselves, accuse one another, but rarely understand. Friendship, love, or family bonds can slowly erode under the weight of unrecognized shadows.
In some cases, mutual projections become so powerful that they lead to the definitive rupture of bonds. One becomes convinced that the other has “changed,” is “toxic,” or “wrong,” when in reality it is our perception that has become distorted.
From a psychological point of view, these dynamics can leave deep wounds. Every unresolved conflict reinforces the internal split between what we show and what we hide. The person ends up feeling alone, misunderstood, and constantly on the defensive, because they cannot distinguish between what comes from their own inner world and what truly belongs to the other.
However, recognizing these consequences is not meant to make us feel guilty, but to make us more aware. Every relational tension can become an opportunity to pause and ask ourselves: “What am I really projecting onto this person? What are they showing me that I do not want to see?”
Only when we begin to ask these questions can the relationship return to being an authentic encounter, no longer a battlefield but a place of mutual understanding.
Understanding the psychological consequences of projection therefore means learning to distinguish between the real other and the symbolic other — the one who lives within us. It is in this distinction that the possibility of healthier, freer, and more genuine relationships is born, founded not on fear of what the other awakens, but on the willingness to look together even at the shadowy areas.
From shadow to light: integrating what we reject to rediscover ourselves
Recognizing one’s own shadow is an act of courage. It means choosing to look inward with sincerity, without filters, and admitting that within us there are parts we do not always like, but that are nonetheless part of our humanity. The shadow is not an enemy to fight, but an aspect to understand and integrate. When we stop fearing it, it stops dominating us.
The first step in integrating the shadow is recognizing our projections. This requires careful observation of our emotional reactions, especially the strongest or most irrational ones. Every time someone irritates us, hurts us, or puts us in difficulty, we can ask ourselves: “What does this person awaken in me? Why does it affect me so deeply?”
This is not about justifying the other, but about understanding what belongs to us in that dynamic. When we shift our gaze from the outside to the inside, we begin to reclaim personal power. We are no longer victims of our emotions, but conscious witnesses of what is happening within us.
This work of awareness and self-observation is not immediate. It requires time, patience, and a willingness to accept the complexity of one’s inner world. It often also involves the ability to tolerate discomfort: looking at our anger, jealousy, fear, or need for control can be painful, but it is precisely from that suffering that transformation is born. When we recognize that every emotion has a message and an origin, we stop fighting it and begin to listen to it.
Over time, what we once perceived as a flaw becomes a resource for growth. Anger, if welcomed, can transform into vital energy and assertiveness. Envy can reveal unexpressed desires and guide us toward what we truly want. Fear, understood and named, can become prudence and sensitivity.
The shadow, once integrated, is no longer an obstacle but a bridge: it unites the parts of ourselves that were divided, bringing us back to a greater sense of wholeness.
When we learn to recognize our shadow, the way we relate to others also changes. Relationships become more authentic, because we no longer need them to defend ourselves or confirm our ideal image, but to truly encounter the other, with their limits and their humanity.
Improving the relationship with ourselves inevitably means improving relationships with others. When we accept our imperfections, we become more empathetic toward those of others. When we stop judging ourselves, we also stop judging others.
Conclusion – Looking at the shadow to live in the light
Sudden dislikes, inexplicable annoyances, emotional reactions that surprise us… they do not arise from nothing. They are signals pointing to our inner world, messages inviting us to explore what has not yet been welcomed.
Every person who disturbs us, every encounter that challenges us, is a potential mirror: it shows a fragment of ourselves waiting to be recognized.
Understanding the shadow does not mean eliminating the dark sides of the personality, but reconciling with them, learning to dialogue with our emotions instead of repressing them. It is in this dialogue that true inner freedom is built.
Only when we accept the complexity that lives within us can we truly encounter the complexity of the other — without fear, without defenses, without projections.
Integrating the shadow is, ultimately, an act of love: toward oneself and toward the world.
Because only those who have learned to look at their own darkness can live in the light of awareness, and build relationships that are more sincere, deep, and human.
What can online therapy do?
Online therapy today represents a valuable space for awareness and personal growth, capable of accompanying people on a path of deep exploration of their inner world.
Often, behind sudden dislikes, relational tensions, or emotional reactions we do not understand, there are parts of ourselves asking to be seen: aspects of the shadow that, over time, we have learned to hide or fear.
A therapeutic journey, even at a distance, offers the possibility to pause and observe these dynamics with a new and protected perspective.
Through dialogue, reflection, and the guidance of a professional, a person can begin to recognize the projections they enact in daily relationships — those moments in which they attribute to the other emotions, flaws, or behaviors that actually belong to their own inner world.
Therapy helps give names to emotions, understand their meaning and origin, transforming discomfort into self-knowledge.
Often, what we perceive as annoyance or irritation toward someone is actually a message from our unconscious: an invitation to look deeper.
In this sense, the psychological journey is not meant to “remove” dislikes or uncomfortable emotions, but to understand and integrate them, so that they no longer take control of our relationships.
The online modality makes this process accessible and flexible, allowing work on self-awareness even in a familiar and protected environment.
Many people find it easier to open up in a known setting, feeling freer to explore even the most delicate parts of their inner life.
Over time, therapy becomes a true conscious mirror: it helps recognize one’s shadows, welcome them, and transform them into resources for personal growth.
This leads not only to greater inner serenity, but also to more authentic relationships, free from projections.
Knowing oneself, in fact, is the first step toward understanding and accepting others as well.
“Love does not need likes: it needs trust, authenticity, and real presence.”
Bibliographic References:
- Jung, C. G. (1951). Ricerche sul simbolismo del Sé. Torino: Bollati Boringhieri.
- Von Franz, M.-L. (1980). L’Ombra e il male nella fiaba. Torino: Bollati Boringhieri.
- Johnson, R. A. (1991). Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche. New York: HarperOne.
For information, write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini. Email contact consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, WhatsApp contact +39 370 321 73 51.
