Toxic people: how to forget them
Toxic people: how to forget them
Who are toxic people? What behaviors do they put into action to undermine your dignity? What can online therapy do?
Despite the toxicity of a relationship, the wounds, the abuse, the lack of respect, forgetting the person who made us suffer seems easier said than done.
This happens primarily when the aftermath of manipulations and demeaning acts have been so absorbed and integrated into our mind and our daily life, to the point that the thought constantly runs to the person who inflicted them. One thinks, in a certain sense, that they still need him or her in order to live.
Learning, therefore, to accept the suffering endured and to file it away becomes an important step in reclaiming one’s life—even when the person who imposed torments of all kinds was the object of our love.
Let us then look together at some tips to emerge from a toxic relationship and manage, with the right steps, to distance ourselves from that (illusory) idea that makes us feel the lack or the need of a person who only harmed us, learning to accept what has been and relegate it to the past.
Fundamental steps
- Make your own the idea that nothing is really forgotten, but transformed, and therefore do not be discouraged. The more we have been victims of manipulations and abuse, the more incisive will be the damage and the aftermath we must deal with, especially if the abusive subject gradually revealed themselves, over the years, to be a destructive and narcissistic person. The journey begins with this acceptance: nothing is forgotten, but what was experienced can first be brought to awareness, processed over time, and transformed into life experience. The first real step, then, is not to erase the memories but to become aware of them and begin here in the present a new life, a life cleansed forever of the person who hurt us, learning not to yield to fear, nostalgia, narcissistic traps.
- Spiritual awakening: focus on a new beginning. We have finally opened our eyes and there is no going back. A total change of life, even if frightening, begins with love for ourselves, rediscovering what can truly nourish us. Let us remember that we are never alone and it is never too late to reclaim our serenity. Spiritual awakening occurs when finally, without blaming ourselves or others, we accept that what we experienced was a toxic relationship. No melancholy or nostalgia should move us from this fixed point: we met a toxic person, period. And it can happen to anyone. It is crucial to focus in this first phase on the harm that was done, without minimizing it out of fear of not making it or to return to a comfort zone; this will be the foundation on which to rebuild dignity, self-esteem, life piece by piece, step by step, in a healthy and awakened way.
- Healthy selfishness: it is time to put yourself first, to return to the center of your own life that we had shifted, and to reclaim it, living only in the here and now, focusing on what can heal us, pamper us, make us feel appreciated, useful, new people. Let us lift our heads with the awareness that leaving a toxic relationship was a miracle for us, a sign of destiny that we could open our eyes. Regardless of how it ended, we are grateful and return to thinking of ourselves: we are now the person who most needs our attention and help.
- Be determined to cut ties and not fall into traps of return or (false) dialogue. This means not expecting closure from the person who harmed us. We are aware that setbacks and hesitations are possible, and here determination and willpower, dictated by that inner awakening that opened our eyes, are fundamental. Is that really the life we want? A life of abuse, disrespect, guilt, anxiety, manipulations, unhappiness. Even if at first it will hurt a lot, we will not miss them, and in time we will feel better and reclaim the desire to return to the world and live a happier, more carefree life. No “return” on the part of the other should make us change our mind, there is no promise or provocation that holds. If necessary, change phone number, cut off all contacts even on social media, and ask mutual acquaintances not to speak about the person you need to free yourself from in your presence. Like any drug, even in the case of emotional dependence, it is time to detoxify, and it is probably the most difficult part. We can do it only away from temptations, allowing ourselves to focus solely on our present. Let us keep well in mind, however, that in a toxic relationship there is no space for constructive dialogues. Let us start from this awareness not to give in and not to fall again into the “spider’s web.”
- Create a solid safety net. Family, best friends, psychotherapist, acquaintances, new encounters, support groups—anyone who can truly nourish and support us in this detoxification journey from the toxic person is crucial. Being able to speak freely about what happened, being listened to, being motivated and guided to rebuild a new life, seeing things more clearly, is decisive. Prolonged isolation, on the other hand, can lead us to brood and idealize what was, sabotaging our awakening, our new awareness that tells us to get up and move forward on our path.
What can online therapy do?
Online therapy can help first of all to understand and process the pain experienced in the past; learning to let go of what stripped us of value and dignity, reclaiming them. Through therapy and the alliance with the psychotherapist it is possible to increase one’s support network, so that this experience is no longer lived as a condemnation but as an awakening, an important and decisive lesson for one’s personal evolution. What has been, even in suffering, was placed on our path to bring us to a new awareness, to signal to us that we were straying from our real course, from our soul’s project. Even the end of a toxic relationship carries with it awareness of things that otherwise we could never have fully understood.
In addition to individual online therapy, we recommend the group “Online group psychotherapy on emotional dependence: healing the disease of love through group support.”
For information, write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, WhatsApp contact: 370 32 17 351.
