When the real toxic relationship is with oneself
When the real toxic relationship is with oneself
And what if the quality of your relationships depended, first and foremost, on how you treat yourself when you are alone? What can Online Therapy do?
When we talk about toxic relationships, the mind immediately turns to painful dynamics with others: manipulative partners, intrusive friends, families that leave no room for growth. But we rarely stop to ask ourselves: what if the deepest conflict were not outside, but inside us?
Often, the most silent relationships are also the most powerful. And the relationship with ourselves – with our thoughts, emotions, the inner voice that accompanies us every day – is one of the most influential, even if invisible to the eyes of others.
We live in a culture that constantly pushes us toward performance, self-improvement, comparison. In this context, learning to have a healthy dialogue with oneself becomes almost a revolutionary act. But when that dialogue is based on criticism, devaluation, a sense of inadequacy or guilt, then we are faced with a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves. And, unfortunately, it is precisely this dynamic that can become fertile ground for attracting – or accepting – toxic relationships with others.
Many people realize too late that the way they speak to themselves, judge themselves, or treat themselves internally has compromised their ability to build healthy bonds externally. Relationships become a mirror: they reflect what, inside, has not yet been welcomed, healed, recognized.
But this awareness, if embraced, can become an extraordinary gateway to transformation. Because the relationship with oneself is neither fixed nor definitive. It is a process that can be explored, healed, and rebuilt.
In this article we will explore what a dysfunctional relationship with oneself is, how it affects our external relationships and, above all, which tools we can use to transform it into a source of strength, balance, and authenticity.
Because only by truly learning to listen to and respect ourselves can we create healthy and meaningful relationships with others as well.
The Silent Signs of a Toxic Relationship with Oneself
You don’t need to raise your voice to hurt yourself. Sometimes, the deepest damage comes from the silent and persistent way we treat ourselves internally. A toxic relationship with oneself is not made of dramatic events, but of small, daily inner gestures, often automated, that undermine our psychological and emotional well-being. One of the most common signs is self-sabotage, a subtle behavior that leads us to undermine our own progress. It can manifest by avoiding important opportunities, postponing decisions that would benefit us, or unconsciously choosing more difficult paths just to avoid facing the risk of succeeding. At its core, when we fear success more than failure, it is often because we have internalized the idea that we do not deserve it.
Alongside self-sabotage we find constant inner criticism, a sort of “judging voice” that comments on every action with harshness and contempt. This voice does not simply point out a mistake: it turns it into an identity label. We have not only made a mistake, but we are a mistake. Phrases like “you’re not capable,” “everyone manages except you,” or “you’re not worth enough” become the invisible soundtrack of our mind, slowly eroding our self-confidence.
Another important sign is the lack of self-compassion, that is, the inability to treat oneself with kindness during difficult moments. While we would use words of comfort with a friend, with ourselves we are often ruthless: we ignore our needs, force ourselves to “endure” even when exhausted, or minimize the pain we feel, telling ourselves it is not legitimate or that “others have it worse.” This coldness toward oneself generates a sense of emotional loneliness that, over time, weakens our resilience.
Finally, one of the deepest and most often overlooked signs is self-condemnation: an inner attitude made of chronic guilt, inability to forgive oneself for past mistakes, and a deeply rooted belief of not being worthy of love or happiness. This pattern, often learned in rigid or judgmental family environments, leads people to experience every positive moment with suspicion or guilt, as if joy were something to defend oneself against.
Recognizing these signs is not easy, especially because many of us consider them “normal” or even useful for motivation. But a healthy relationship with oneself is not born from judgment, pressure, or fear: it is born from listening, acceptance, and the ability to recognize one’s value beyond results. Only by learning to distinguish what strengthens us from what wears us down can we begin to build a more balanced and loving relationship with the person who will accompany us for our entire life: ourselves.
Distorted Mirrors: External Relationships That Reflect Our Inner Wounds
The relationships we build with others do not arise in a vacuum. They are often a more or less faithful mirror of how we perceive and treat ourselves. When the relationship with oneself is dysfunctional – marked by insecurity, a constant need for approval, or deep self-devaluation – it is inevitable that these inner patterns are projected outward, shaping painful or repetitive relational dynamics. One of the most frequent effects is emotional dependence: a deep difficulty in feeling whole without the gaze, validation, or affection of another. In these cases, love is not a meeting between two complete people, but a desperate attempt to fill an inner void, with the constant risk of losing oneself in the effort to be loved.
Another common consequence is the recurring choice of toxic partners, often with narcissistic or manipulative traits. These people initially seem to offer what is missing inside: attention, strength, security. But over time, dynamics of control, devaluation, and imbalance emerge. Those with low self-esteem may remain trapped in these relationships, confusing tension with love and accepting harmful behaviors as inevitable or even deserved. In reality, this is not bad luck, but an unconscious repetition of emotional scripts often learned very early in life.
Family relationships are also influenced by a dysfunctional relationship with oneself. Those who struggle to recognize their own value or to defend their boundaries may find themselves trapped in roles that do not belong to them: the “good child” who never disappoints, the “mediator” who absorbs conflicts, or the “sacrificed one” who puts themselves aside to maintain harmony. In these situations, personal boundaries are blurred or nonexistent, and it becomes difficult to distinguish between what is done out of love and what is done out of fear of losing love.
Finally, one of the most insidious effects is the repetition of dysfunctional relational patterns, often entirely unconsciously. People who do not feel worthy of receiving healthy love tend to sabotage or avoid balanced relationships, preferring – or rather, recognizing as “familiar” – bonds charged with tension, ambiguity, or suffering. In a sense, these dysfunctional relationships become living proof of the deepest and most distorted beliefs: “I’m not enough,” “no one will truly love me,” “I have to fight to be seen.”
Recognizing these effects is not simple, but it is essential to break the cycle. Only by turning our gaze inward and healing the primary relationship – the one with ourselves – is it possible to transform the way we relate to the world. External relationships are nothing more than reflections of the most intimate rooms of our psyche: until we turn on the light inside, we will continue to move in the dark outside.
Are We the Ones Who Sabotage the Relationships We Desire, and Why?
Self-sabotage in romantic relationships is one of the most subtle and painful expressions of disconnection from oneself. It does not happen in obvious or dramatic ways, but creeps in slowly, in the form of devaluing thoughts, contradictory behaviors, and choices that, while appearing rational, actually feed loneliness and confirm old wounds. One of the most common dynamics is the fear of deserving love. When a person has internalized the idea of not being enough – not beautiful enough, intelligent enough, worthy enough, interesting enough – they end up fearing love more than desiring it. The affection of others becomes something suspicious, almost dangerous, as if authentic love threatened the defenses built to survive a deep sense of unworthiness.
This insecurity often manifests in the inability to accept positive feedback. Even when a partner, friend, or family member expresses sincere appreciation, those living in self-sabotaging dynamics tend to downplay, deflect, or even reject these signals. A compliment becomes a source of discomfort; a gesture of affection triggers doubt: “they’re just saying it to be nice,” “if they really knew me, they’d change their mind.” In this way, the person continues to keep a devaluing internal narrative alive, even when external reality tries to offer something different.
Sometimes, the mechanism is even more insidious: people actively seek relationships that confirm self-devaluation. This does not happen consciously, but through an unconscious selection of emotionally distant, critical, unavailable, or manipulative partners. In these bonds, the internal script of “not being enough” finds new fuel. The pain that results, paradoxically, reassures: it is a known, familiar pain that confirms what the person has always believed about themselves. Thus, a relational cycle is entered that feeds the sense of inadequacy, while self-esteem continues to erode.
The tragedy of relational self-sabotage lies not only in the suffering it generates, but in the fact that those who experience it often do not realize they are an active part of the process. They believe they are simply “unlucky in love,” that they “always choose the wrong people,” without realizing that the common thread is the inner relationship, made of fears, limiting beliefs, and lack of self-compassion. Breaking these dynamics requires deep awareness, and often therapeutic support to reframe one’s personal value and learn to receive what one desires without fear. Because true love is not conquered through struggle, but welcomed with openness. And to do that, one must first truly believe in it.
Is It Possible to Heal the Relationship with Oneself?
Healing the relationship with oneself does not mean erasing the past or becoming perfect, but learning to be with oneself in a kinder, truer, more human way. It is a gradual and transformative process that begins with a revolutionary act in its simplicity: self-compassion. In a society that pushes us toward performance and competition, treating ourselves with understanding in moments of fragility can seem counterintuitive. And yet, learning to speak to ourselves as we would to a dear friend – with words of encouragement, patience, and love – is one of the most powerful tools for breaking the cycle of self-devaluation and self-sabotage. Self-compassion is not weakness, but the strength to recognize that we too, like everyone else, deserve respect and care, especially when we make mistakes or fall.
Another fundamental pillar of this process is mindfulness, that is, the ability to observe one’s thoughts, emotions, and reactions without judging them or identifying with them. Instead of blindly believing the inner voice that says “you’re not enough,” mindfulness teaches us to notice that thought, recognize it as such, and let it go without clinging to it. This space between what we think and who we are gives us freedom. It allows us to consciously choose how to respond, rather than automatically reacting from fear or shame.
Alongside awareness, personal reflection becomes a valuable tool for getting to know ourselves more deeply. Writing our thoughts, exploring our emotions, asking ourselves sincere questions – such as “what do I really need?” or “which part of me am I ignoring?” – can initiate an authentic and transformative inner dialogue. Personal growth does not arise only from action, but from self-understanding: observing our patterns, recognizing our wounds, and naming them is already a form of healing.
Finally, healing the relationship with oneself requires developing self-support: becoming one’s own anchor, the safe place to return to even when the external world wavers. This means taking responsibility for one’s emotional needs, without waiting for others to fill them. It means giving oneself permission to choose, to say no, to protect oneself, but also to allow oneself what feels good, without guilt. Being one’s own support does not mean closing oneself off from the love of others, but arriving there more whole, more grounded, more capable of receiving.
Healing within is a journey not measured by immediate results, but by small daily changes: in the way we speak to ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and what we stop demanding of ourselves. And it is precisely from there that a new quality in external relationships can be born: freer, more sincere, healthier. Because when we learn to stay by our own side with care, everything else – slowly – begins to change.
The Silent Fruits of Inner Change
When we begin to transform the way we relate to ourselves, the world around us also slowly begins to change. These are not sudden miracles or spectacular revolutions, but small, concrete, and profound signs that something inside has taken a new direction. One of the first tangible effects is the emergence of healthier and more conscious relationships. People who once attracted or accepted toxic dynamics begin, almost naturally, to distance themselves from relationships based on manipulation, need, or devaluation. A new criterion of choice develops, more aligned with one’s dignity and authenticity. One no longer seeks someone to “fill the voids,” but desires an encounter between two whole people, capable of supporting each other without self-annihilation.
At the same time, growing emotional autonomy takes shape. Those who have worked on themselves learn to recognize and manage their emotions without constantly depending on external validation. The compulsive need for approval diminishes, making room for inner trust. Relational crises, which previously might have triggered panic or self-devaluation, become opportunities to practice healthy boundaries, authentic communication, and mutual respect. This autonomy is not detachment, but conscious presence: the ability to stay in contact with oneself even in emotional storms.
Another fundamental outcome is the improvement of overall psychological well-being. When the inner dialogue ceases to be a battlefield and becomes a space of acceptance, symptoms related to anxiety, low self-esteem, or chronic sadness begin to ease. The mind becomes lighter, the body less on alert, and daily life takes on greater emotional stability. One feels freer to be, to speak, to choose, without the constant weight of judgment or fear of rejection.
Finally, one of the most significant effects of this process is the ability to make relational choices consistent with one’s value. One no longer settles for what hurts or empties, but becomes capable of saying yes only to what reflects one’s inner journey. One becomes selective, not out of arrogance, but out of respect for what has been conquered inside. Relationships become a space for growth, no longer a field for confirming one’s pain.
In summary, inner change is not only a personal journey: it is a transformation that reflects in every aspect of life. From the quality of bonds to emotional serenity, to the ability to make choices that reflect one’s truth. It is a silent change, but a profound one. Invisible at first, but evident over time. And above all: possible for anyone willing to begin.
What Can Online Therapy Do?
In the process of healing the relationship with oneself, therapy can represent a profound turning point. In particular, online therapy offers a safe, accessible, and flexible space in which to explore with delicacy and depth the inner dynamics that condition us. Many people come to therapy carrying a load of inner judgments, unrealistic expectations, and a constant sense of not being “enough.” Working with a professional allows these mechanisms to be brought to light, their origins understood, and, above all, replaced with healthier and more constructive patterns. The online context, thanks to the possibility of accessing it from one’s personal space, often makes it easier to lower defenses, bring authentic vulnerability, and begin building a different relationship with oneself. Therapy thus becomes a non-judgmental mirror, a training ground for self-listening, and a guide in the process of rewriting the inner dialogue. Over time, people learn to treat themselves with more respect, to welcome their limits without shame, and to build a more stable and authentic identity. This is not just about “feeling better,” but about learning to be with oneself in a new way, more human and freer.
“Before seeking healthy relationships outside, one must learn not to be an enemy to oneself inside.”
Bibliographic References
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Kristin Neff (2019), “La self-compassion. Il potere dell’essere gentili con se stessi.” Franco Angeli.
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Nathaniel Branden (2023), “I Sei Pilastri dell’Autostima”, TEA.
For information write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it
WhatsApp contact: +39 370 32 17 351
