5 types of dads to watch out for
5 types of dads to watch out for
What are the 5 types of dads who can unintentionally harm the development of their children? What is the importance of the father’s role? What can online therapy do?
Nowadays several studies show how the emotional role of a father within the family is just as important and decisive, a source of care and attachment for the child.
The father, therefore, is as important as the mother, and thus the parental role cannot be delegated as it was in the past (mother taking care of the house and children, father delegating or only setting the rules).
Both the love and the rejection that children perceive, in fact, will be decisive for their growth, mental health, balance, and self-esteem, not only in childhood but also in later adult life.
So what are the 5 types of dads who, with their behavior, could compromise healthy development for the child?
1 – Absent dad
When we talk about absence, we are talking about a lack of involvement of the parental figure in the child’s emotional life. The figure of these dads is defeatist or judgmental, little interested in the child’s emotional and creative sphere, scarcely present in his developmental milestones, not attentive to his small achievements, to his attempts to explore the world and to involve.
What remains with the child of an absent dad is a psychological void that can leave wounds in the soul such as: anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, the feeling of not being enough, constant need for approval, behavioral problems.
2 – Immature dad
An immature dad, as the word itself says, is unreliable. He therefore cannot be a healthy and solid support for his child. This type of father tends to involve the child in arguments with the partner, or not to fully listen to the child’s problems, shifting the focus onto himself (acquired narcissism: “I did that too, I experienced that too, me, me, me”); he tends to unload his frustrations on the child (role reversal).
He often believes himself “God on earth,” belittles, is superficial, contemptuous, does not listen, is incapable of dialoguing properly with the child when he makes mistakes, to the point of often reminding him how much he owes him for his life, fueling guilt (this trait is also common to several mothers), making sure that the child does not drift away from the parent’s life, with jealousy toward possible partners, friends, or reasons that would take the child (now teenager or adult) away from home.
In this case, the most common consequences of an immature parental figure are: guilt, repressed anger, inability to establish solid relationships, emotional loneliness, anxiety.
3 – Authoritarian dad
Usually, the authoritarian father is rigid and inflexible, extremely demanding, not understanding the real needs of the child because he is incapable of active and participatory listening, often punishes without providing real or understandable explanations to the child, uses harsh and cold tones, and in more unbalanced cases even uses violence.
The child who grows up with an authoritarian father shows aggressive ways, difficulty in accepting authority figures at various stages of life (teachers, employers, etc.). The relationship with his parents will be detached, but aimed at drawing the parent’s attention to himself, even in problematic ways.
At the same time, the child, not having adequate margins of freedom to favor his expression and proper development, will also carry with him problems of self-esteem, autonomy, relationships, and may sometimes have a too rigid or impaired creative sphere. In more pathological cases, even in adulthood, disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, narcissistic traits, paranoid, or sadistic behaviors may manifest.
Once grown up, the children of authoritarian parents tend to adopt in turn an authoritarian parenting style toward their own children. This parenting style can be perpetuated by the former child onto his children, once he becomes a father or mother.
4 – Permissive dad
Diametrically opposed to the authoritarian one is the permissive dad. The parent who is too soft and indulgent refrains from exercising control over his children or using his authority as a father.
In this dynamic, there is no real and distinct understanding of roles, between who is the adult and who is the child. A permissive dad will tend to involve his children in every family matter, will always try to provide his kids with justifications for his behaviors, explanations about the rules he would like to impart and struggles to enforce; if the children make a mess he does not hold them responsible for tidying up, he allows them to regulate their own activities by intervening rarely or not at all, and when it is time to be firm he prefers to manipulate the child by reasoning with him, rather than using his healthy parental authority (authoritative style).
It follows that father and child are on the same level and cover the same role (sometimes to the absurd, in which we find children dictating rules to their parents!). However, this behavior gives rise to children, just like in the case of the overly authoritarian father, who have difficulty following rules and directions, authority in matters of public or private life (school, work, relationships, etc.), and are not aware of the limits and boundaries to be observed in society. Future independence and autonomy also pass through a healthy confrontation with others and with social roles; therefore, growth will be compromised and problematic.
5 – Overprotective dad
The last type of dad to fear is the overprotective father. According to studies, many mothers also fall into this type. He is the classic parent who uses phrases like: “Put on a jacket or you’ll get sick!”, “What time will you be back?”, “Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you going with?”, “Don’t take the scooter, it’s dangerous. If you take it, go slowly”, “Don’t take the plane”, “Don’t do this, don’t do that.”
Apparently, he seems to be a dad who worries about his child, and so far there would be nothing wrong, except that such phrases, repeated in a repetitive, obsessive way from the child’s early years, instill in him unjustified fears, worries, doubts, low self-esteem. The apprehensive parent hinders his child’s healthy development with his excessive fears and worries. The child internalizes the idea that “living” is dangerous and consequently, once an adult, he will think he cannot make it, that he does not have the right tools. He will be haunted by anxiety and negativity, by little trust in himself and in others.
What can online therapy do?
Online therapy can help us analyze the type of relationship with the father, and also how to reintegrate this figure into our own personality, especially in cases where we have dealt with problematic fathers, as we have seen in the description of the five types of dads who damage the development of children. However, the father figure remains an important figure.
More than distancing ourselves from this figure, it is instead essential to try to reintegrate it into our personality, with the help of the psychotherapist, taking it up again to provide it with new meanings in the mind of the son or daughter (or of ourselves if the issue concerns us personally).
The father figure and the educational legacies we carry with us can also prevent us from having healthy relationships with future partners. The risk is precisely that of falling into failed relationships.
Therefore, more than dismantling, it is necessary to reintegrate the paternal figure by gradually understanding it with compassion, also integrating it from the point of view of what the father experienced in his family of origin, and trying to think of a figure who did the best he could at that moment, with the tools he had. To therefore review it in the light of a healthier paternal education today, without demolishing it.
For information write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, WhatsApp contact 370 32 17 351
