Borderline disorder: relationships
Borderline disorder: relationships
What do we mean when we talk about borderline personality disorder? How does a borderline behave in relationships? What is the right way to approach them? How can online therapy support someone with a borderline personality?
First of all, borderline disorder is not a choice—it is a personality disorder marked by instability and hypersensitivity, especially in relationships, often combined with an equally unstable self-image, impulsivity, and fluctuating moods. Each individual with BPD has their own story, diagnosis, and behaviors that vary from person to person, particularly in how they relate to others (parents, friends, partners, classmates).
Borderline in romantic relationships
In a couple, a person with BPD may bring highs and lows, frustration, confusion, anger, and unexpected episodes of anxiety and depression. This happens because borderline individuals experience emotions and sensations that fluctuate rapidly and impulsively. They may fall deeply in love, but then suddenly withdraw, become angry, or reject their partner. These behaviors are often not meant to harm the other person, but arise from self-blame and intense, destabilizing inner thoughts.
Still, with appropriate therapy and support (individual or couples), people with BPD can build fulfilling, balanced, and loving relationships.
Stages of a borderline relationship
Borderline dynamics often repeat in cycles:
- At the start, the relationship feels perfect. The borderline individual feels satisfied, secure, and completely invested, giving their partner total priority.
- The partner is idealized—seen almost as a “god” or “goddess”—while fears of abandonment begin to surface. Even minor changes (an unanswered message, a moment of distance) are interpreted as rejection.
- Over time, the partner is devalued, criticized, or belittled. Complaints about lack of attention become constant.
- The relationship begins to crumble, with the borderline person focusing only on the partner’s flaws. Fear of abandonment triggers conflict, which in turn “confirms” to the borderline that their partner wants to leave.
This vicious cycle can lead to disengagement, emotional withdrawal, or ending the relationship altogether. Sometimes the individual prolongs the bond by demanding constant reassurance—through words, gestures, or even dramatic actions such as suggesting marriage, tattoos, or children as “proof” of love. In some cases, this may escalate to self-harm or threats of self-injury.
When a relationship ends
Breakups for people with BPD can cause deep wounds—lowered self-esteem, depression, feelings of inadequacy, self-destructive behaviors, and even suicidal thoughts. Often, they attempt to win back the partner, idealizing them again, and repeating the same destabilizing cycle.
How online therapy can help
Behind borderline behaviors there is not a desire to hurt others, but often vulnerability, low self-esteem, anxiety, confusion, and difficulty regulating emotions. Childhood trauma or chaotic, unpredictable family environments may also play a role.
Online therapy helps individuals with BPD look inward, recognize destructive patterns, and learn to manage their “emotional storms.” With the right support, relationships with borderline individuals can become healthier and more sustainable.
People with BPD are not only defined by their struggles—they can also be deeply caring, loving, and compassionate. Therapy helps balance the cyclical mood changes, reduce their impact, and build more awareness and stability.
Recommendations for navigating a relationship with a borderline partner
- Consider professional couples counseling.
- Support your partner in their therapeutic journey.
- Stay calm and grounded during conflicts.
- Encourage healthy, constructive communication.
- Establish boundaries, respect, and freedom for both partners.
- Nurture friendships, family ties, and outside activities.
- Maintain hobbies and personal interests for well-being.
- Build a support network for difficult moments.
- In some cases, consider group psychotherapy (e.g., for adults who experienced childhood abuse).
For information, contact Dr. Jessica Zecchini
Email: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it — WhatsApp: +39 370 32 17 351
