Differences between covert and overt narcissism
Differences between covert and overt narcissism
How can you tell the difference between covert and overt narcissism? How can online therapy help a victim of narcissistic abuse leave an asymmetrical, manipulative relationship?
In 1991, psychologist Paul Wink used, in the title of one of his papers—The Faces of Narcissism—two terms to indicate two facets of the narcissistic profile: covert and overt. According to Dr. Wink, narcissistic disorder develops from deep self-esteem problems, and its manifestations can take different forms, which he outlined as two “main faces.”
A first face, the overt one, displays typical traits such as a sense of grandiosity, exhibitionism, a desire for admiration and attention, aggressiveness, arrogance, and contempt or derision of the partner—even in public—in order to feel superior.
The second face, the covert one, or “hidden,” appears as a constant underlying neurosis: a person with sensitive–vulnerable traits who nonetheless aims to exploit others for personal gain, with great expectations and fantasies of success nourished deep down, originating from a low-key and seemingly modest profile—much harder to unmask than the traditional overt type.
Let’s now look specifically at the characteristics of the two categories—overt and covert—so we can better distinguish the two faces of narcissism, including in romantic relationships.
Overt narcissism
By denying weakness and feeding self-superiority, overt narcissism attempts to compensate for childhood wounds—such as rejection, neglect, or insensitivity by parental figures to the child’s emotional needs. In reality, behind the apparent grandiosity lies a deep gash driven by a sense of inferiority and low self-worth. The overt profile, however, shows very high levels of exhibitionism, dominance, sociability, arrogance, argumentativeness, demandingness, and self-acceptance.
The beginnings of a relationship with an overt narcissist are usually idyllic: lavish compliments, attention, gifts, emotions, plans. But after the love-bombing, typical attitudes and tendencies toward the partner emerge, namely:
- Isolation from close ties with friends or family (“How many times do you need to see your friends?” “You visited your family last month—do you have to go again already?”).
- Divide and insinuate (“Everybody knows you’re good for nothing,” “Even your mother says it’s lucky you met me,” “Giulia, who knows you so well, says I should leave you,” “Everyone can see you treat me badly while I’m always so available”).
- Lies and deceit: they believe the rules of a good relationship apply only to you; they lie and deceive and then feel entitled to your forgiveness. Of course, it only works one way—if you made a mistake, you wouldn’t get off so easily, nor be forgiven so readily.
- Making you feel never enough (“You’re not good enough,” “You’re not fit enough,” “You’re not competent enough at work,” “You’re just not enough”).
- Contempt, rage, melodramatic reconciliations: when challenged, the narcissist retaliates in various ways; and after making up, the next fight will be even more damaging, escalating from verbal aggression to physical aggression that fully reveals their abusive nature.
- Victimhood and inability to self-reflect: “everyone’s against me,” it’s always someone else’s fault; others get things wrong, others can’t do anything—while they are always so skilled, perfect, competent.
- Competitiveness; best at everything: if you’re good at something—even an activity they’ve never tried or don’t care about—they’ll likely try it just to appear better than you, to satisfy the need to be admired or envied at all costs.
- Smearing former partners as monsters or disreputable people, using degrading terms and calling them “crazy.”
- Using silence as punishment: by not communicating they avoid self-examination and seize control, pushing the other out of the game.
- Words that don’t become actions: if you ask for help, the overt narcissist will tend to say yes—then ignore their own words, staying on the couch or doing something else.
Covert narcissism
Covert narcissism manifests with less obvious traits: shyness, hypervigilance, apparent empathy, shame, avoidance, inner conflicts that lead to forms of anger and hostility, social anxiety and withdrawal, haughtiness. Their self is organized around grand dreams, fantasies, and expectations for their life; they feel unique and believe they can only be understood by equally unique people. They feel entitled—deserving of favors and attention—with a tendency to exploit others, a sign of their scarce empathy that is initially concealed. Distinguishing covert narcissists is trickier, so here is a more detailed list to recognize them:
- Feeling important: their deep sense of grandiosity and self-importance can be summed up in the word “snobbish.”
- (More or less hidden) fantasies of success: staying perfect, having the perfect partner, perfect home, high status, a fabulous career, fame, recognition.
- Silence or verbal aggression: covert profiles also use these, especially as a defense when partners or others reject them.
- Feeling unique and wanting unique company: feeling extremely special, elite; they seek people “worthy” of their circle and will snub or reject everyone else.
- Constant need for admiration: not receiving it triggers deep intolerance, which turns into passive-aggressive behavior—subtle revenge, sulking, silence, distance, procrastination, hostility, and lies.
- Privilege and entitlement: they feel privileged and entitled to favors, to having their aims and desires fulfilled, to being served and ushered along by others in realizing their projects.
- Exploitation: people are typically used by the covert narcissist—their qualities leveraged to reach the narcissist’s goals. Others are drawn in by their seemingly harmless, empathetic, kind, modest demeanor, but are in fact manipulated and exploited covertly.
- Lack of genuine empathy: they may praise empathy but cannot offer it; they readily cut off anyone who (in their view) wronged them, is no longer useful, or has unmasked them—sometimes insulting first, then mercilessly ending all communication.
- Envy and jealousy: though often disguised, these are common; they are adept at repressing them so as not to reveal insecurity, frequently resorting to sarcasm.
- Haughtiness: arrogant, condescending behavior appears especially when they are with someone deemed “inferior.”
How online therapy can help
Online therapy can help patients—or victims of narcissism—recognize these two often insidious profiles, overt and covert, and take action. A therapeutic path can relieve a person from years of narcissistic abuse, or help them assess the relationship they are currently in (romantic, family, or workplace) to determine whether they are facing manipulative, narcissistic individuals. The goal is to detach from them and from disabling dynamics, and regain control of one’s life.
For more information, contact Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it — WhatsApp: +39 370 32 17 351
