How do you sabotage yourself in relationships
How do you sabotage yourself in relationships
How do emotional saboteurs behave? What unconscious strategies do they use? How can online therapy help a romantic relationship evolve?
What do we mean when we talk about self-sabotage in love relationships? Have you ever felt that entering a relationship is like stepping into a trap, a sort of sentence, or a failure already waiting to happen?
This is what characterizes self-sabotage in relationships. Entering into a bond with another person—sharing joys and struggles, growing together—can already be complex and demanding. But when the unconscious mechanism of self-sabotage is activated, it becomes almost inevitable that relationships turn into unpleasant, heavy, frivolous, or failing experiences. Worries flood the mind, pushing us to run away prematurely, make poor choices, rush decisions, or kill the initial enthusiasm altogether.
An American study on romantic self-sabotage
A study conducted in the U.S. by psychologist Raquel Peel explored cases of self-sabotage in romantic relationships. She examined more than 500 “emotional saboteurs” worldwide, interviewing them to understand which actions and thoughts triggered their sabotage patterns.
Her findings identified four main factors contributing to this relational blockage.
The results: the main self-sabotaging factors
- Criticism. One of the first triggers for abandoning a relationship is constant criticism. Harsh statements (“You’re so irresponsible! You never clean up!”) instead of constructive ones (“You forgot to clean the kitchen”) create tension and hostility.
- Contempt. Mockery, sarcasm, disdainful comments, or ridicule create an environment of disrespect that erodes the relationship.
- Defensiveness. Constant attacks often push the partner into defensiveness, which builds walls, prevents accountability, blocks solutions, and fuels endless blame games.
- Stonewalling. This final factor is among the most damaging: refusing to communicate, cooperate, or resolve problems, effectively shutting down the relationship instead of helping it thrive.
Tips to avoid self-sabotaging relationships
- Avoid entering relationships that are clearly doomed from the start (emotionally unavailable partners, incompatible values, already committed individuals).
- Observe your own patterns: are you too critical, perfectionist, or demanding? Do you depend excessively on the other’s presence? Can you feel good alone? What triggered conflict in past relationships?
- View your partner as a teammate, not an opponent. Collaboration builds relationships, while judgment, obstruction, or neglect only destroy them.
- Be proactive. Stay engaged, willing to grow, and committed to smoothing out your flaws, prejudices, and pessimism. This personal work strengthens both you and your relationship.
How online therapy can help
Online therapy helps uncover the defense mechanisms we unconsciously activate in relationships—our mistakes, counterproductive attitudes, and hidden wounds that fuel self-sabotage.
It fosters awareness of why we act out behaviors that drive partners away or push us to leave (fear of abandonment, fear of responsibility, fear of rejection, fear of losing freedom, low self-esteem, lack of trust). Through this awareness, therapy guides us toward breaking the cycle of sabotage and building healthier, more conscious relationships.
For information, contact Dr. Jessica Zecchini
Email: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it — WhatsApp: +39 370 32 17 351
