Learning to feel worthy of love
Learning to feel worthy of love
How can trauma and love addiction hinder the feeling that we deserve love? What methods can we adopt to strengthen self-esteem? What can online therapy do?
At the core of our being lies a fundamental question we rarely dare to voice aloud: “Am I truly worthy of being loved?” This question touches the very root of our existence, influencing every aspect of our lives—from the relationships we build to the way we interact with the outside world.
The concept of “being worthy of love” goes beyond simply feeling accepted. It concerns recognition and self-acceptance, with all our imperfections, fears, and uncertainties. The words of Brené Brown (2010), in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, resonate deeply. Brown, a researcher known for her work on vulnerability, shame, and empathy, explores the importance of embracing who we really are rather than who we think we’re supposed to be. As she states in her book: “Why do we let our stories of not being enough—good enough, smart enough, confident enough—define who we are?”
In this article, we will explore the complex nature of feeling worthy of love. We will examine how our past experiences, cultural influences, and inner dialogues affect our ability to accept love and affection. We will also address the consequences of not feeling worthy and how they interact with phenomena such as love addiction, outlining a path that can help anyone rediscover and strengthen their sense of worth.
The journey to learning to love and accept yourself is just that: a journey. It’s not always easy, but it’s a path that leads to greater happiness, authenticity, and a fuller, richer life. “Why don’t we look within and see all that is beautiful and brave? Why don’t we see that we are worthy of love, affection, and belonging?” This is the invitation to discover and embrace our true self, with all the imperfect gifts we carry.
Breaking the Chains of Unworthiness: Rediscovering the Right to Love
When a person does not feel worthy of love, the impact goes far beyond mere emotional insecurity; it becomes a central knot that profoundly influences their psychology and interpersonal relationships. Hendrix and Hunt (2004), in their book Receiving Love, explore how these self-perceptions can take root in past experiences and how, unconsciously, they can shape the way we accept love and affection from others. Often, those who struggle with worthiness find themselves in relationships where they feel they must “earn” love, leading to dysfunctional couple dynamics and perpetual dissatisfaction.
This phenomenon is further exacerbated when past traumas exist. Robert W. Firestone (2012), in his book The Self Under Siege, discusses how traumas—especially those experienced during childhood—can leave deep emotional scars, negatively impacting self-image and the sense of worthiness. Trauma can instill a kind of inner critical voice that constantly devalues the person, fueling beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve to be loved.” This inner voice can be a significant obstacle to accepting love and affection, as there is a tendency to see oneself through a distorted lens of unworthiness and defectiveness.
Furthermore, not feeling worthy of love can have direct consequences on mental health. People may develop anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues as a response to this negative self-perception. These problems can, in turn, create a vicious cycle in which low self-esteem further fuels the belief that one is not worthy of love, and vice versa.
Understanding these dynamics is crucial. Recognizing how past experiences and trauma influence one’s sense of personal worth opens the door to a healing path. Addressing and processing these issues with the help of a professional can help rebuild healthy self-esteem and develop more balanced and satisfying relationships.
Rediscovering the Self: Navigating the Waters of Love Addiction
Love addiction is a crucial topic when discussing worthiness and love. Often, those who do not feel worthy of love seek external validation, creating a kind of dependence on relationships. This obsessive search for acceptance and love can lead to imbalanced and unhealthy relationships, where the need for approval becomes the main compass. Leslie S. Greenberg (2002), in his work Emotion-Focused Therapy, highlights how recognizing and regulating emotions is fundamental in treating love addiction.
Emotion-focused therapy teaches us that understanding and embracing our emotional states can provide important insights into why we seek love in ways that may be self-destructive. This awareness can be a powerful starting point for changing our relational patterns. Greenberg suggests that exploring and transforming painful emotions—rather than avoiding or suppressing them—is essential to overcoming love addiction. Through therapy, we learn to recognize and accept our emotional needs while simultaneously developing strategies to meet them in healthy and autonomous ways.
Love addiction is also often rooted in childhood experiences and attachment patterns. Therapy can help us explore these origins, allowing us to understand how our earliest attachment experiences influence our current behaviors in seeking love and acceptance. Through this emotional work, we can begin to perceive a path toward healthier relationships and more authentic love—a love that arises not from need but from a whole and integrated self.
From Shadow to Light: Cultivating Self-Love
The key to feeling worthy of love can often be found in the art of cultivating healthy self-esteem. McKay and Fanning (2016), in their book Self-Esteem, outline practical strategies and self-help techniques for nurturing self-esteem. They argue that feeling worthy of love is not a destination, but an ongoing journey of self-acceptance and self-knowledge.
Self-esteem, as described by McKay and Fanning, is intrinsically linked to our ability to feel worthy of love and respect. Without a fundamental sense of self-worth, the search for external validation becomes a vicious cycle that rarely leads to true satisfaction. In this context, self-work is essential. Understanding and addressing self-limiting thoughts, examining the origins of our insecurities, and developing greater self-compassion are key steps toward nurturing healthy self-esteem.
McKay and Fanning also propose practical techniques—such as reflective writing and the use of positive affirmations—to counter the inner critic and strengthen a more loving and constructive inner dialogue. Self-compassion, according to the authors, is a powerful antidote to excessive self-criticism. Instead of judging ourselves harshly for our failures or insecurities, we can learn to treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer a close friend.
Moreover, McKay and Fanning emphasize the importance of action. Feeling worthy of love is not only an internal process; it also requires enacting behaviors that reflect this sense of self-esteem. This may include setting healthy boundaries in relationships, pursuing personal goals, and taking care of oneself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Another practice worth mentioning is self-compassion as described by Kristin Neff (2011) in Self-Compassion. Neff underscores the importance of treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and without judgment—especially in moments of failure or difficulty. This approach fosters greater emotional resilience and a deeper sense of well-being, significantly contributing to improved self-esteem.
Adopting a perspective like that proposed by McKay, Fanning, and Neff allows for a critical examination and reshaping of negative self-talk. It is a continuous process of self-assessment and acceptance that includes appreciating one’s strengths and extending kindness to oneself even in moments of failure or difficulty.
Through this consistent practice of self-acceptance, self-appreciation, and self-compassion, self-esteem consolidates and becomes a fundamental cornerstone for developing lasting love for oneself. This inner growth not only improves the relationship with oneself but also becomes the basis for building healthier and mutually satisfying external relationships.
At the Root of Love: Mindful Presence in Feeling Worthy
The journey toward feeling worthy of love can benefit greatly from the practice of mindfulness, as suggested by Jon Kabat-Zinn (1994) in Wherever You Go, There You Are. Mindfulness—or present-moment awareness—is a powerful tool for cultivating a deeper, more loving relationship with oneself. Kabat-Zinn explores how, through mindfulness, we can stop running from ourselves and learn to accept ourselves, with all our imperfections.
This radical acceptance of the self is essential to feeling worthy of love. Often, we get lost in cyclical negative self-talk or detach from the present moment due to anxiety about the future or regret about the past. Kabat-Zinn illustrates how mindfulness practice helps us interrupt these patterns. It teaches us to observe our thoughts and feelings without judgment, creating a space of kindness and receptivity toward ourselves.
In Wherever You Go, There You Are, Kabat-Zinn offers practical mindfulness exercises that can be incorporated into daily life. These exercises help root attention in the here and now, fostering a sense of inner peace and serenity. When we are present with ourselves—without escape or denial—we begin to recognize our intrinsic value and to feel more worthy of love and appreciation.
Here are some key techniques you can practice, drawn from his book:
Mindfulness of Breathing
How to do it: Sitting comfortably, focus attention on your breath. Notice its natural rhythm without trying to change it. When the mind wanders, gently bring your attention back to the breath.
Purpose: This foundational mindfulness technique helps anchor you in the present moment and develop concentration.
Sitting Meditation
How to do it: Sitting with an upright spine, attend to bodily sensations, sounds, and thoughts, maintaining an open and welcoming presence.
Purpose: This practice increases awareness of present experience, cultivating acceptance and patience.
Everyday Mindfulness
How to do it: Kabat-Zinn suggests integrating mindfulness into daily activities—walking, eating, washing dishes—by focusing fully on what you’re doing.
Purpose: This helps you live each moment more fully, reducing distraction and increasing appreciation for small things.
Using Sounds as a Support for Mindfulness
How to do it: Listen to ambient sounds with an open mind, receiving them without judgment, without trying to identify or analyze them.
Purpose: This technique develops deeper listening and greater awareness of your environment.
Mindfulness and Movement
How to do it: Practices like yoga or Tai Chi can be performed with a mindful attitude, bringing awareness to each movement and bodily sensation.
Purpose: This mind-body integration builds balance, focus, and presence.
Metta Meditation (Loving-Kindness)
How to do it: Metta meditation begins by sending thoughts of kindness and well-being to yourself, then extends to others—friends, acquaintances, and even people with whom you have difficulties.
Purpose: This practice develops compassion, love, and understanding toward yourself and others.
As we can see, mindfulness enables us to face relational difficulties and challenges more evenly. With greater awareness, we can see how old wounds influence the way we relate to others and to ourselves, and we begin to respond rather than react impulsively. This leads to more authentic and healthy relationships, based on a deeper understanding of ourselves and others.
What can online therapy do?
Online therapy aims to help you learn to feel worthy of love, and a crucial element is working on self-love. This process requires more than simple acceptance; it is a profound exercise in self-understanding, self-compassion, and personal growth.
Addressing and overcoming love addiction and past trauma are fundamental steps. These aspects, often rooted in formative experiences, can distort how a person sees and evaluates themselves. Online therapy offers a safe space to explore these painful experiences, allowing clients to process and rework old hurts and fears within a supportive and understanding context.
Love addiction often hides a deep need for external validation, which can obscure true personal value and qualities. Addressing this dependency in therapy helps recognize and break cycles of emotional dependence, gradually shifting the focus from external approval to self-recognition and appreciation.
At the same time, therapy works on self-esteem, which is essential for developing healthy self-love. This aspect of therapeutic work involves building positive self-talk, developing a sense of competence and autonomy, and adopting self-care habits that strengthen physical and mental well-being.
Loving oneself also means learning to set healthy boundaries in relationships, recognizing and asserting one’s needs and desires, and practicing kindness toward oneself—especially in times of difficulty or failure. It is a process of rediscovering who you truly are, beyond others’ expectations or your own insecurities.
Online therapy not only aims to heal past wounds but also paves the way for a more loving and respectful relationship with oneself. Along this path, people learn to cultivate a love that starts from within, which is fundamental for building healthier and more fulfilling external relationships. Self-love thus becomes not only a goal to be reached, but a daily practice—a way of living that transforms and enriches every aspect of existence.
References
Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
Hendrix, Harville, and Hunt, Helen LaKelly. Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationship by Letting Yourself Be Loved. Atria Books, 2004.
Firestone, Robert W. The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation. Routledge, 2012.
Greenberg, Leslie S. Emotion-Focused Therapy: Coaching Clients to Work Through Their Feelings. American Psychological Association, 2002.
McKay, Matthew, and Fanning, Patrick. Self-Esteem. New Harbinger Publications, 2016.
Kabat-Zinn, Jon. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. Hyperion Books, 1994.
Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow, 2011.
For information, write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, WhatsApp contact: +39 370 32 17 351
