Love bombing and narcissism
Love bombing and narcissism
What is love bombing? What are the differences between a male narcissist and a female narcissist? What are the stages of love bombing? How can online therapy help a narcissist’s victim?
When we talk about love bombing, we mean the so-called “bombardment of love”: a manipulative technique used by a narcissist—male or female—to bind and cage a person to themselves, with greater or lesser awareness.
What are the typical “love bombing” lines?
According to statistics, women are the most frequent victims of this manipulative mechanism; however, men too can fall for—or be duped by—the techniques of a narcissistic partner, mother, or sister. Below are the most common lines used for love bombing by both male and female narcissists in relationships.
Male narcissist
To win over his “prey,” the male narcissist typically uses expressions that target the emotional sphere or personality:
- “You’re perfect, I’ve never felt this way with anyone else before you.”
- “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.”
- “You could be the woman of my life.”
- “You have it all, you’re too much for me; nothing like this has ever happened to me.”
Female narcissist
A female narcissist, especially at the start of the relationship, won’t lack sensitivity and closeness, along with out-of-the-ordinary generosity, gifts, compliments, and attention. The most common lines aim to enchant the man—less on a sentimental level and more by praising his skills and talents to boost his ego:
- “You’re really good; you have exceptional talent—you were incredible.”
- “It was an amazing night; I’ve never met anyone like you—you’re extraordinary.”
- “You’re truly perfect; there’s no man like you.”
- “You’re the most intelligent person I’ve ever known—others aren’t on your level.”
- “With you I feel protected and safe; you’re so strong—you’re the man of my dreams.”
We are all potential victims of a narcissist
Both male and female narcissists share a common denominator: they offer compliments, gifts, and flashy, premature proposals—even when they’ve known you only a short time—to ingratiate themselves and establish a bond. Both will appear caring, devoted, attentive to the other’s needs, presenting themselves by extolling their own qualities and values, and they will “not let you lack for anything,” so as to ensnare their partner ever more and make them dependent on their presence.
No one is immune to such manipulation and, at least once in a lifetime, many of us have probably fallen into a narcissistic relationship to satisfy our deepest desire for love and attention—only to realize later that we were used for someone else’s grand designs: work, money, marriage, talents, a “trophy,” or a seemingly perfect relationship to flaunt in public.
Spotting love bombing
As we’ve seen, love bombing is a manipulative pattern used to seduce or court a potential victim through actions, gestures, words, and gifts. All of this happens prematurely and far too quickly, whereas it is essential to take time to build solid, stable bonds.
The narcissistic partner instead presents as loving and attentive while rushing the stages of getting to know one another. The other person is showered with attention and flattery and placed on a pedestal.
It isn’t easy to recognize genuine love bombing, as it can be confused with the natural behaviors of authentic early infatuation. Therapy is therefore a valuable tool to determine whether the person we’re with has sincere intentions or manipulative ones that could be problematic for our future.
How long does love bombing last?
It is above all in the initial period that one is “lovingly bombarded” by the narcissist. This may last weeks or even months. It all depends on how long the “predator” needs to gain sufficient control over the partner. Once the narcissist is certain of their power over the partner, an unstable phase begins—often called the roller-coaster phase—marked by highs and lows: relentless ups and downs, isolation, and growing distrust for the victim, often bordering on utter despair. This occurs because the abusive partner withdraws all the previous attention, care, and solicitude, leaving the other feeling powerless, lost, profoundly sad, and confused. The emotional intensity of the initial phase—when everything seemed perfect and the partner was idealized—has created a dependent bond, such that shifting into the narcissist’s truer reality becomes a genuine trauma.
The narcissist is incapable of genuine feeling or empathy. They play on the victim’s interests and weaknesses (for example, a “rescuer” tendency) and exploit them to bind the victim to themselves and inflate their own ego—or simply to extract maximum benefit. They carefully study which behaviors to deploy, leveraging past inner wounds so the partner becomes easy prey to their schemes. The bond thus grows even tighter—and extremely toxic.
The vicious cycle of love bombing
There is a very specific script in a narcissistic relationship; it can, in theory, repeat indefinitely and consists of five main stages:
- Idealization (the love-bombing phase);
- Devaluation of the partner (withdrawal of attention, respect, consideration);
- Isolation of the victim (from family or friends);
- Discarding the partner (the partner is dumped or left);
- Re-engagement/“recovery” of the partner and the relationship.
The result of this succession of phases—these disastrous ups and downs—is emotional dependence. The victim begins to lose self-trust, fear abandonment, and feel isolated; they experience euphoria when with the partner and extreme despair when apart. Control, jealousy, and distrust escalate. The victim feels that being with the narcissist “fills” their life but will painfully realize that the relationship actually creates and amplifies now-unfillable voids, and that the “prince” or “princess” they idealized at the start is, in truth, a person without scruples—a liar or manipulator—who does not care about us and remains focused on their own interests.
Why does the narcissist need a victim?
You may be wondering: can a narcissist really be this cold and manipulative? Unfortunately, yes. The victim provides the narcissist with narcissistic supply, which gives them a sense of power and control to plunder and exploit the other. All of this feeds their self-esteem and ego, continuing to inflate the perfect, grandiose image the narcissist has of themselves. When co-dependence develops between the two lovers, what results is emotional dependence—an even more insidious and dangerous situation if sustained for years.
As mentioned, for victims it is not always easy to recognize that they have been manipulated by someone who, in their mind, gave so much at the beginning and at times made them feel unique, loved, and on top of the world. It is even harder to admit they were used and deceived.
Hovering and ghosting
The narcissist feeds on the victim’s resources: by lowering theirs, they raise their own. If the co-dependence goes on for years, we encounter the mechanism of “hovering” (often spelled hoovering), in which the prey is completely sucked dry—of abilities, values, dignity, and self-love—and continues to suffer or be attacked by the narcissist’s manipulations even weeks, months, or years after the relationship ends.
If we are “lucky,” the relationship will be short-lived. However, after losing interest in the partner, the narcissist may disappear entirely from their life, leaving them confused or shattered—enacting the insidious mechanism known as ghosting. This behavior can also be extremely harmful because it can seriously damage the victim’s self-esteem, leaving them in a state of confusion.
How online therapy can help
Through therapy, it is possible to spot the early warning signs of love bombing and take action. For long-standing relationships—or after being abandoned by a narcissist—it becomes crucial to work on self-awareness and on the family attachment patterns rooted in childhood that led us to replicate these scripts in adult relationships by attaching to the wrong people. It also means returning to ourselves and our value—cultivating self-love, self-esteem, and trust—filling those inner voids with our own presence and, only later, with people who truly deserve us and appreciate us for who we are, not for their own personal or material gain.
For more information, contact Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it — WhatsApp: +39 370 32 17 351
