Selfish partner: the signs and how to deal with them
Selfish partner: the signs and how to deal with them
How to manage a selfish partner? What are the differences between healthy selfishness and dysfunctional selfishness? What can online therapy do?
In this article we address the theme of selfishness as a dysfunctional dynamic in romantic relationships. A selfish partner in an intimate relationship can be one of the main causes of breakups and divorces. Many lawyers argue that marriages today end more and more often due to a lack of cooperation by one of the spouses—or even both; in particular, there often seems to be an imbalance in the division of tasks or a lack of clear, defined goals in the couple that prevents healthy planning.
But what happens when, in the relationship, a partner proves selfish in a dysfunctional way?
Differences between healthy selfishness and dysfunctional selfishness
Let’s start from the premise that selfishness is not always negative. In fact, there is a kind of “healthy selfishness” that, in my view, would be better called self-love so as not to misunderstand the benefits of this attitude. Healthy selfishness allows you to listen to your own needs and requirements, but first you have to start by loving yourself enough to bring harmony into the couple, learning to share without the expectation of dependence and without setting up excessively caregiving relationships.
A healthy relationship happens when two people are able to take care of themselves and their own needs and gratify each other so they can cooperate on shared couple space. They are not dependent, but interdependent, and there is a certain flexibility in supporting each other. For example, if one partner has a problem of any kind, the other will step in promptly to provide care and support; the same will happen if the other partner is the one with the problem.
A partner who is selfish in a dysfunctional way often behaves like a monad within the couple. Overly focused on themselves and their needs, they often forget to cooperate and to gratify their partner. The relationship is impoverished, with a lack of sharing and support; it becomes unbalanced, unhealthy and unequal. The dysfunctional selfish partner generally receives more attention and care, placing themselves at the center of the couple while ignoring the other’s needs and requirements.
How does a selfish partner behave in a couple?
A selfish partner is arrogant, domineering and despotic. They often give orders and decide what to do as a couple, who to spend time with and which places to visit. They manage the relationship according to their needs, denying the needs of the other, who feels ignored and misunderstood. They often monopolize time and attention as they please, regardless of the person by their side. They are not empathetic, not sensitive, and have the curious egocentric tendency to blame the other if something goes wrong or does not respect their plans.
Erich Fromm, in his book “The Art of Loving”: “the selfish person, in reality, detests themself. They are totally devoid of self-love, a frustrated person so full of needs that they instrumentalize relationships to derive a momentary benefit. In selfish love, the partner claims the love they do not have for themself.”
What many ignore is that the selfish person is not capable of loving themself and seeks someone who will love them and put them at the center of their life, someone able to satisfy all their needs. The egocentric aspect recalls the child in the first three years of life, in which parental attention is functional to survival.
The selfish person does not have much to give in the relationship other than lack. In fact, self-esteem and self-love are lacking, and relationships are instrumentalized to take what is not present internally. They often flaunt formal autonomy, but are always looking for someone to lean on to satisfy their emotional—and sometimes practical—needs.
An interesting study by the Department of Psychology at the New York State University compared altruistic behavior with selfish behavior. The result is that altruists are more fulfilled people, able to give spontaneously for their personal and spiritual well-being. Conversely, selfish people showed low self-regard and a search for relationships from which to receive support to boost their self-esteem.
Managing a selfish partner while maintaining your center
It’s not easy to be in a relationship with a selfish partner, and the risk is losing your own balance.
What suggestions can help us not lose focus on continuing to love ourselves and respect our needs?
Stay centered on your needs
If you have a selfish partner, it’s very difficult to stay centered on your own needs and requirements. Life is demanding because there are children, work, and—in this case—a very demanding partner, but this cannot and must not prevent us from carving out space for ourselves and reconnecting to our source, listening to how we feel and whether our needs are being met. Do not annihilate yourself for your partner; instead, it’s advisable to widen your social circle and ask others for help. The important thing is not to feel powerless and overwhelmed by the relationship, and at the first sign of faltering it will be useful to take some space for yourself by asking for help from family, friends or colleagues.
Communicate and share
One is inclined to think that the partner is so selfish they don’t deserve a dialogue that could be a mutual taking of responsibility for the relationship. Instead, constructive dialogue should be constant and necessary to prompt reflection in the so-called selfish partner. Like water that carves rock drop by drop, this is the daily commitment to be put into the relationship so it doesn’t end—if that is indeed what you want. No one forbids changing course, but in that case one should question the reasons that led to building this relationship and the expectations, given the initial premises about the partner’s dysfunctional characteristics.
Clear boundaries
Leaving things to chance is not advisable; the risk is paying too high a price in the relationship. In fact, a relationship requires daily effort to make it grow, and communication should be constant—just like establishing what you want, the limits and the expectations. The boundaries of respect and trust should not be crossed, and if this happens, the reasons must be understood. Clarify when you felt hurt, giving examples, but at the same time listen to the other, trying to understand their point of view. Even a selfish partner may have valid reasons to justify their actions from their perspective, and it will not always be easy to find common ground; nevertheless, this is necessary to continue loving while bringing compassion and understanding into the relationship. Every relationship needs care and reciprocity, even if this is often forgotten or taken for granted in couples.
What can online therapy do?
Online therapy can shed light on the couple’s dynamics by clarifying both partners’ points of view—even if one is selfish. There is often a tendency to want to see selfishness only in the partner, without asking whether one is exhibiting selfish attitudes in some areas of the relationship. Generally, those who are selfish project their own selfishness onto the other; it’s not selfishness if the partner refuses to do what they’re told or disagrees. Work with the couple clarifies dysfunctional dynamics and improves communication and understanding.
Online therapy is also useful for analyzing what is being brought into the relationship and what the partner is bringing in on an unconscious level. Rebalancing a dynamic with an imbalance between giving and receiving would lead the couple toward greater self-realization and collaboration.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a selfish partner who truly behaves like a monad, online therapy can clarify how to carry on the relationship without feeling frustrated in the face of a demanding partner’s requests. The investment should not be only in the relationship, but also in finding a balance between your desires and those of your partner. There will be difficult moments in which trying to communicate with a selfish partner will be a challenge, to the point of feeling the need to throw in the towel and end the relationship. Instead, it is precisely in these moments of personal growth that you should work on the relationship to shift from a mental plane—based on reason and rationality—to an affective plane, maintaining the connection with your heart.
For information write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, whatsapp contact 370 32 17 351
