The constant need for others’ approval
The constant need for others’ approval
How does the persistent need for approval develop? How does it affect self-esteem, relationships, and emotional well-being? Tips and what online therapy can do.
Let’s begin today’s journey along an intriguing, winding path—one that many of us have walked, perhaps without even realizing it: the constant need for others’ approval. It isn’t just a passing desire, but an emotional labyrinth where many get lost. In a world where a “like” can feel like social currency, we’ll explore together why this quest for approval has taken on such a central role in our lives.
Are you ready to discover why we crave others’ consent so intensely? Do you want to understand how this relentless pursuit can silently weave the fabric of our emotional and social reality? This will be a chance to reflect on how we can look beyond the need for approval, rediscovering the strength of our authenticity and the solidity of relationships built on sincerity.
In this article, I invite you to a reflective exploration. We’ll not only discuss the psychological mechanisms behind this phenomenon, but also offer insights for a deeper understanding of yourself and others. It’s a journey inward—a path to rediscover and celebrate your intrinsic worth, independent of outside expectations.
Between Mirror and Stage: The Need for Approval from Childhood to Social Media
Brené Brown, in her 2012 book Daring Greatly, explores the concept of vulnerability and how the family environment shapes our capacity to be vulnerable and self-assured. According to Brown, childhood is the stage where we first learn the value of approval and recognition. A family environment that promotes unconditional acceptance and supports the expression of authentic emotions helps form secure, resilient individuals. Conversely, an upbringing that emphasizes being constantly praised, or that conditions love and approval on success or behavior, can lead to the development of a constant need for approval. Brown underscores the importance of cultivating a sense of belonging rather than merely “fitting in,” emphasizing that true belonging can only be achieved through authenticity and self-acceptance.
In their 2010 book The Narcissism Epidemic, Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell discuss how contemporary culture—and particularly social media—has contributed to an increase in narcissism and the pursuit of approval. According to the authors, social media has created an arena where image and self-promotion are perpetually under the spotlight. This continuous exposure leads to a growing emphasis on the need to be admired and approved by others. Twenge and Campbell examine how this dynamic has created a generation more focused on external image rather than on building stable, internal self-esteem. Their analysis reveals how the culture of “showcasing” on social media influences self-perception and increases dependence on external approval, creating individuals who evaluate their worth based on likes and feedback received online.
In both contexts—childhood and modern society—the need for approval emerges not merely as an emotional reaction, but as a complex interplay among psychological, environmental, and social factors. Understanding these roots helps us better understand ourselves and others and provides a foundation for addressing this need more consciously and healthily.
How the Pursuit of Approval Shapes Self-Esteem, Relationships, and Emotional Well-Being
The quest for others’ approval is a psychological journey that intertwines shades of self-esteem and relationship dynamics, placing our emotional balance at stake and creating a complex mosaic of psychological influences.
Self-Esteem: In his illuminating work The Happiness Trap (2008), Russ Harris guides us through the pitfalls of dependence on others’ approval and its impact on self-esteem. Harris warns that this dependence creates fertile ground for insecurity and self-criticism, as our self-evaluation becomes a function of others’ reactions. The result is a kind of “wobbly” self-esteem—one that sways with changing opinions and external judgments, leaving little room for genuine self-appreciation. Harris emphasizes the need to build self-esteem based on inner principles and self-compassion rather than on fickle external indicators.
Interpersonal Relationships: Expanding on the theme, Brené Brown shows in her work how the need for approval can distort our relationships, turning us into actors in a drama where authenticity is sacrificed on the altar of acceptance. This relational mask, according to Brown, can lead to superficial connections in which the fear of showing our true selves prevents us from forming deep, meaningful bonds. Brown encourages us to find the courage to show our vulnerability—an essential step for building relationships based on trust and authenticity rather than approval and appearance.
Anxiety and Stress: Returning to Harris, we find further investigation into how the constant search for approval can be a factor in stress and anxiety. Living in a perpetual state of concern over others’ judgment puts us in a continuous state of alert—a vicious cycle that can result in chronic stress and anxiety disorders. This persistent tension not only emotionally exhausts us, but can also negatively affect physical health, as demonstrated by numerous studies in the field of psychoneuroimmunology.
The combination of these factors creates a complex landscape in which the need for approval becomes a common thread running through different aspects of our psyche. The key to staying balanced is to develop greater self-awareness and emotional insight, to embrace self-compassion, and to seek relationships grounded in sincerity and mutual acceptance. This process not only helps free us from dependence on others’ approval but also opens the door to deeper, more lasting psychological well-being.
Toward Authenticity: Psychological Tools to Overcome Dependence on Approval
In this exploratory section, we examine management techniques for navigating the complex world of approval-seeking, drawing on the wisdom of Harris, Brown, and Twenge & Campbell.
Awareness: Russ Harris, in The Happiness Trap (2008), places significant emphasis on awareness as the starting point for any meaningful change. In this context, awareness entails honest, attentive introspection into your motivations, emotions, and behaviors. Harris argues that recognizing and understanding our need for approval is the first step in mitigating it. Through techniques like mindfulness and self-observation, we can learn to identify when and why we seek others’ approval, allowing us to begin an inner change process.
Self-Compassion: Brené Brown, in her analysis of authenticity and vulnerability in Daring Greatly (2012), promotes self-compassion as a powerful tool to counter dependence on others’ approval. Self-compassion, according to Brown, means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would extend to a close friend. This practice helps build an anchor of emotional stability, enabling us to face rejection and criticism without losing confidence in ourselves.
Therapy and Psychological Support: Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell, in their study of the impact of social media and modern culture in The Narcissism Epidemic (2010), highlight the importance of therapy and psychological support in addressing problems related to self-esteem and the need for approval. Therapy, guided by professionals, can provide tailored tools for understanding and managing these dynamics, offering structured support to explore the roots of approval-seeking and develop effective strategies to address it.
In short, awareness, self-compassion, and therapeutic support prove to be powerful tools for managing the pursuit of approval. Integrated and practiced regularly, these techniques can guide us toward a path of greater inner balance, where our worth is no longer hostage to others’ opinions, but rooted in our authenticity and inner strength.
Overcoming the Need for Approval: Tips for a Path of Authenticity
Acknowledge and Recognize Your Need for Approval:
The first step in overcoming any psychological challenge is to recognize it. Accept that the need for approval is part of you—without judging it. This will allow you to face it more openly and honestly.
Introspection and Self-Awareness:
Set aside time for self-reflection. Try to understand the origins of your need for approval: does it stem from childhood experiences, past relationships, or social expectations? Understanding the roots can help you better figure out how to handle it.
Cultivate Self-Compassion:
Learn to treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Instead of being hard on yourself for your need for approval, recognize that it’s a common human trait—and that you can work on it. Self-compassion can be a powerful antidote to self-criticism.
Set Personal Goals and Values:
Reflect on your values and what truly matters to you. When you’re clear about your values, you can begin making decisions based on them rather than on the desire to please others.
Practice Assertiveness:
Learn to express your opinions and needs clearly and respectfully. Being assertive helps build self-confidence and reduces dependence on others’ approval.
Explore New Activities:
Engage in activities you enjoy and that make you feel good, regardless of outside judgment. This can help build self-esteem and reduce reliance on external validation.
Seek Support:
Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or mental-health professionals. Sometimes, talking with someone can provide new perspectives and strategies for dealing with the need for approval.
Celebrate Your Personal Successes:
Acknowledge and celebrate your successes, even small ones. This can help reinforce your sense of self-esteem and reduce dependence on others’ approval.
Remember: the path to overcoming the need for others’ approval is a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. It’s a process that requires time, patience, and practice—but the steps you take today can lead you toward a more authentic and fulfilling life.
What can online therapy do?
Online therapy proves to be a crucial ally on the journey toward understanding and overcoming the constant need for others’ approval. Guided by experienced professionals, this therapeutic process addresses the deep roots and manifestations of this need, offering a safe, supportive context for exploration and change.
First, awareness-centered online therapy plays a pivotal role. Through guided reflection and exploration of personal experiences, the therapist helps the individual map the origins and patterns that have given rise to the pursuit of approval. This can include an in-depth investigation of past experiences—such as family dynamics or influential social interactions—that shaped self-perception and dependence on external validation. Discovering and understanding these connections is the first step toward change.
In parallel, online therapy emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, as highlighted by Brené Brown. Learning to be kinder and more understanding with yourself is essential, especially for those accustomed to seeking external approval as confirmation of their worth. Practicing self-compassion helps build a more solid, independent foundation of self-esteem, decreasing the need to constantly seek external confirmation.
Another important aspect is support in building authentic relationships. Online therapy offers a safe environment in which to experiment with and learn ways of relating based on authenticity rather than approval-seeking. This is fundamental for improving the quality of existing relationships and developing new, healthy, and satisfying connections.
Additionally, therapeutic interventions may include techniques for managing stress and anxiety, which often accompany approval-seeking. These techniques help individuals develop strategies to handle stressful situations more healthily and reduce the anxiety associated with needing approval.
In conclusion, online therapy as a path toward authenticity and managing the need for others’ approval proves to be profoundly transformative. It offers the tools to understand and overcome the internal dynamics that fuel this need, leading to greater self-realization and truer, more satisfying relationships.
References:
Brown, Brené. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
Harris, Russ. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT. Exisle Publishing.
Twenge, Jean M., & Campbell, W. Keith. (2010). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.
For information, contact Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it — WhatsApp: +39 370 32 17 351
