The wound of betrayal: the “controller”
The wound of betrayal: the “controller”
Why is it that those who carry the wound of betrayal wear the mask of the “controller”? How can one heal from the wound of betrayal? What can online therapy do?
The wound of “betrayal” is expressed through a series of negative feelings in those adults who, during childhood relationships with their parents (usually with one in particular), felt betrayed, often following a series of events that led the child to “no longer believe”—as in the case of promises never kept.
The consequence is the construction of a suspicious adult, who tends to hold everything tightly, at times even envious or distrustful, believing they do not deserve what others have, thus manifesting the mask of this wound, namely the “controller.”
The controller is the one who seeks to exercise control over others and over situations, hiding behind the appearance of a strong person. Those who experience this mask must instead strive to work carefully on tolerance, patience, being alone but also being with others, learning to trust, delegate, and reduce control, so that other people also have space to exercise their own responsibility.
Profile of the wound
The wound of betrayal begins to take shape between the ages of two and four. It is usually fueled by the parent of the opposite sex. Trust and expectations fail; in particular with regard to an amorous/sexual attraction that the small child may feel toward the parent of the opposite sex. The unconscious pain resulting from the disappointment of having a parent who is not attentive to maintaining their parental role intact, and in order not to suffer anymore, therefore creates the mask—in our case that of the “controller.”
The physical appearance of the controller profile presents with a body that exudes strength and power. In men the shoulders will be wider than the hips, whereas in women the hips will be wider and stronger than their shoulders. The gaze of the controller is often seductive, intense, and with a glance tends to grasp everything, keeping it under control.
The language of the controller often includes words such as: “Did you understand?” “Trust me,” “I don’t trust him,” “I can do it,” “Let me do it alone,” “I’m dissociated,” “I knew it,” …
There is a strong fear of disengagement. Difficulty confiding and being vulnerable. Skepticism. Keeping busy allows them to control themselves, otherwise they will lose their balance.
They are a person who believes they have a strong and above all responsible character. However, just like their parents, they do not always keep commitments made, or in any case make great efforts to keep them.
At the same time, they have many expectations and a manipulative and seductive mind. Mood swings are often present, they tend to convince the other because they think they are right.
They are fundamentally impatient and intolerant, also a performer, their achievements are easily noticed. In addition, they understand and act quickly.
As for health, the “controller” tends to eat quickly and add salt and spices to their diet. Illnesses they might develop include: agoraphobia (linked to spaces and external situations in which the possibility of exercising their control fails), cold sores, digestive system disorders, spasmophilia.
Greatest fear: separation, denial, dissociation.
How to recognize the mask of the “controller”?
To determine whether we are or are dealing with a “controller” we can pay attention to these observations:
- loud voice that can be heard from afar,
- tendency to take up a lot of space,
- loves to dance, seduce, be noticed (“look at me”),
- tends to buy things that, like him or her, will get noticed,
- arms crossed and torso leaning back when listening; if they are speaking, they lean forward to have more contact with the interlocutor and convince them,
- if the wound is very deep and not processed, tendency toward skepticism, authority, intolerance, tendency to be distrustful and always on guard, trying to appear strong, a person who does not let themselves be tricked or influenced easily by anyone,
- tendency to do anything to safeguard their reputation, sometimes even lying,
- risk of putting their own needs in the background,
- others think they are a person who can be counted on, at the same time self-confident; however, this facade conceals the distrust the controller has toward themselves and the tendency to doubt decisions or actions taken,
- the controller sees themselves as an honest person, who never lies and never betrays, often fueling their own wound by lying to themselves, neglecting commitments, or making themselves believe false things,
- tendency to do everything alone (as a punishment); if their wound is not processed, they cannot delegate, are suspicious of others’ responsibility and ability; they therefore spend too much time focusing on others, on what they do and how they do it, instead of focusing on themselves and their own life.
How to heal the wound of betrayal?
The wound of betrayal heals when one manages to let go, to reduce control, to feel fewer negative and destabilizing emotions when things do not go according to plan, also allowing others to reclaim their own lives and responsibilities, ceasing to cling to results, feeling proud even without others’ recognition, and appreciated even without needing to be the center of attention.
What can online therapy do?
Online therapy can certainly help to understand when the betrayal occurred, at what stage of life, and above all when the betrayal of one or both parents then became the main trauma on which this wound was built. Through online therapy one can therefore process and definitively heal this wound, stop controlling others, live one’s relationships more serenely and with trust, and live in the world in a more fluid way.
In addition to individual psychotherapy, online group psychotherapy for adults who were victims of childhood abuse can also be stimulating, to process and confront the wound of betrayal in a welcoming group environment, working through one’s traumas dating back to childhood, providing the opportunity for new growth and evolution.
For information, write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, WhatsApp contact: 370 32 17 351.
