When the narcissist emulates the victim’s qualities and makes her appear cruel
When the narcissist emulates the victim’s qualities and makes her appear cruel
And you, have you ever noticed when the narcissist tried to steal your light? What can online therapy do?
In some relational dynamics, especially when a narcissistic personality comes into play, something far more complex than a simple need for control or admiration happens: the narcissist does not merely dominate the scene, they replicate it. They observe, study, absorb and reproduce the brightest qualities of their victim — empathy, compassion, authenticity, sensitivity, emotional depth — until they wear them as if they were borrowed clothes.
This imitation is not an act of admiration, nor a sincere attempt at personal growth. It is a refined psychological strategy, a way to build an impeccable external image, morally elevated and apparently whole. By emulating the other’s qualities, the narcissist ensures they appear credible, respected and even “special” in the eyes of the world.
Their image shines, but it is not their own light.
At the same time, while the narcissist copies and displays these qualities, a process that is as invisible as it is devastating takes shape: the true bearer of those qualities, the victim, is slowly pushed into the opposite role. Through subtle distortions, gaslighting, projections and emotional manipulation, the narcissist attributes to her precisely those characteristics they cannot tolerate in themselves — coldness, cruelty, selfishness, instability.
It is a deliberate psychological reversal, a staging in which roles are inverted:
the aggressor appears good, authentic and sensitive; the person who is truly good is portrayed as unstable, bad or emotionally dysfunctional.
This dynamic not only deeply confuses those who experience it, but produces unjustified guilt, isolation, loss of self-trust and trust in one’s own perception. It is an internally corrosive phenomenon: the victim not only suffers an attack on her identity, but also witnesses the “theft” of the best parts of herself, reused against her.
In this article we will clearly and deeply explore the dynamics through which the narcissist carries out a sophisticated psychological reversal. We will analyze how they:
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emulate compassion without feeling it, turning it into a façade tool useful for gaining approval and external credibility;
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reproduce empathy as mere emotional imitation, not as authentic connection, thus building an artificial version of another’s sensitivity;
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simulate depth and authenticity with the aim of appearing special, unique, morally elevated, while not truly possessing these qualities;
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feed on the other’s light, drawing on the victim’s inner qualities to make up for their own lack of a stable and coherent internal source;
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reverse responsibility and accusations, making the victim appear to be the real cause of conflict, pain and even of their own shortcomings, manipulating both self-perception and others’ perception.
These dynamics, though invisible from the outside, leave deep marks inside those who endure them: disorientation, identity confusion, a feeling of having been emptied or “robbed” of one’s value.
The goal of this article is to restore the victim’s truth, offering psychological tools to recognize these manipulative mechanisms, understand them and break their emotional impact.
We want to bring light back where the narcissist tried to cast shadow, helping those who have lived this experience to rediscover their identity, their value and their inner voice.
The qualities the narcissist emulates to build their perfect mask
When we speak of pathological narcissism, one of the most painful and destabilizing deceptions is the narcissist’s ability to replicate qualities that do not belong to them. They do not feel them, embody them or truly live them: they imitate them. They observe them in their victim like a predator observes what they need to survive. Then they trace them, swallow them, wear them. The result is a social mask so well constructed that it appears authentic, while underneath remains an emotional void that is difficult even to imagine.
This process is not accidental: it is strategic. The narcissist copies only what can increase their prestige, feed their image, make them untouchable in the eyes of others. Meanwhile, the victim sees their very essence become a disguise in the hands of the one who is extinguishing them. And here the deepest distortion begins: the truly luminous person is made to appear dark, while the one without light wears a reflected one.
Below we explore, in depth, the main qualities the narcissist emulates.
Fake empathy: the most convincing replica of human emotion
The narcissist does not feel empathy, but they have learned to recognize what empathy looks like.
They observe body language, tone of voice, the expressions the victim uses when caring for others. Then they reproduce them like a perfectly trained actor.
Their “empathy” does not arise from feeling, but from calculation: understanding what moves others allows them to appear sensitive, attentive, deep. It is a way to gain trust, to slip into the emotional folds of the other and use them to their advantage.
Facade compassion: kindness as a tool of power
The narcissist’s compassion is a staged gesture.
They can appear caring, supportive, protective — provided someone is watching.
Authentic compassion implies real emotional contact, a responsibility toward another’s pain. Theirs, instead, is a studied choreography: it arises from the need to appear irreproachable, to keep intact their image as a “good person”.
When no one is watching, compassion disappears. And it is often replaced by indifference, irritation or outright contempt.
Reflected inner light: what they do not possess, they take
The narcissist is fascinated by the victim’s light: her vitality, ethics, sensitivity, emotional authenticity.
That light serves them. It feeds them. It temporarily fills the internal abyss they cannot tolerate.
Thus, like an artificial sun, they reflect the other’s luminosity to shine in their place.
It is an invisible theft: the victim feels drained, while they appear radiant.
The more the victim loses light, the more they seem to gain it.
Simulated authenticity: truth as performance
Authenticity is one of the hardest qualities to imitate, yet the narcissist manages to build a credible version of it.
They speak with intensity, use profound phrases, recount inner transformations, show vulnerability at the right moment.
Everything is carefully performed.
There is no real inner work, no coherence between what they say and what they do.
The narcissist’s authenticity is a theatrical costume: it is worn when it is necessary to convince, seduce, manipulate.
Imitated emotional depth: words that seem to feel
The emotional depth the narcissist displays is largely a set of learned words.
They have listened to the victim, noted her values, her experiences, the way she speaks about emotions and relationships. Then they crafted an elegant, refined, emotionally persuasive copy.
The result is a language that resembles depth, but is not depth.
Their “intensity” does not come from contact with themselves, but from the desire to produce an effect on others: to appear special, unique, spiritual, superior.
Displayed goodness: the bright side as a social weapon
For the narcissist, goodness is an element of personal branding.
They use it to build consensus, to impress, to legitimize their actions.
They present themselves as generous, available, altruistic — but always when they can gain something from it: approval, admiration, personal advantage.
Authentic goodness is silent, consistent, it does not need witnesses.
The narcissist’s goodness, instead, is a public spectacle: the more visible it is, the more it works.
It is also a tool of comparison: the better they appear, the more the victim will be perceived as problematic, difficult or “wrong”.
Why they do it: the real motivations behind narcissistic emulation
Understanding why the narcissist emulates the victim’s qualities with such precision and calculation is essential to decoding the entire dynamic. This behavior does not stem from a desire to improve themselves, nor from sincere admiration: it is a complex psychological strategy, implemented to build power, control and a narrative that benefits them. Lacking a stable identity structure, the narcissist cannot draw on authentic internal qualities; therefore, they borrow those of the other and use them as tools serving their purposes.
Building an impeccable image is the first deep reason. The narcissist lives in constant dependence on external gaze and needs to appear morally superior, sensitive, empathetic, luminous. Image is everything: it represents their protective shell. Emulating the victim’s qualities allows them to appear whole, altruistic, even “special” in the eyes of others, preserving the social mask that shields them from being exposed.
Seduction and manipulation of the social context is the second crucial motivation. The narcissist knows that public opinion — friends, family, acquaintances, professional environment — is a powerful lever of power. Presenting themselves as the “better” version of the victim allows them to gain consensus, admiration and credibility. Meanwhile, the true bearer of those qualities is gradually overshadowed, until she appears less empathetic, less authentic, even less balanced. Through this strategy, the narcissist ensures that, should conflicts or tensions arise, the audience is already predisposed to believe their version of events.
Weakening the victim is another fundamental goal. When a person realizes that their qualities are being imitated — and simultaneously used against them — they may experience confusion, self-criticism, loss of self-esteem. This is exactly what the narcissist aims for: disorient the victim, make her doubt her value, make her appear “the wrong one in the story”. A confused, destabilized or emotionally diminished individual is much easier to control and manipulate. Emulation, therefore, is not just imitation: it is an identity attack.
Finally, the narcissist does it to control the narrative. By constructing an impeccable image of themselves and a negative perception of the victim, they can orchestrate events so as to always appear as the “good”, “sensitive”, “misunderstood” one. The victim, on the other hand, becomes the problematic, unstable or even toxic figure in the eyes of others. This reversal does not only protect them: it isolates her. If no one believes her, if no one truly sees her, she loses the strength to rebel or tell the truth. The narrative thus always remains in their hands.
In short, narcissistic emulation is far more than superficial copying: it is a refined psychological mechanism, built to feed their fragile ego and weaken the victim until she becomes invisible in her own story. Understanding these motivations allows the manipulation to be unmasked and restores to the victim the right to her own truth.
Inversion strategies: when reality is turned upside down
To maintain control and protect their idealized self-image, the narcissist uses true inversion strategies, all with the same goal: reversing roles, making the victim appear the aggressor and themselves as the one who suffers. Projection is often the first move: the narcissist attributes to the other the emotions, intentions and traits they cannot tolerate in themselves. Their coldness becomes your “insensitivity”, their selfishness becomes your “thinking only of yourself”, their anger is read as your “exaggeration”. Repeatedly hearing these accusations reflected back, the victim begins to doubt her own perception, wondering if she really is the problem.
On this already fragile ground, gaslighting takes hold: a form of psychological manipulation in which reality is systematically denied, minimized or rewritten. Phrases like “it never happened”, “you made it up”, “you’re too sensitive”, “you’re misunderstanding everything” erode, drop by drop, the trust the victim has in her own memories and sensations. Painful events are downplayed or turned upside down, until it seems she reacted “for no reason”. This process leads to profound inner confusion: the victim no longer knows whether to trust what she feels, sees or remembers.
Distortion of facts is another tool. The narcissist selects details, exaggerates some, omits others, reconstructs real episodes in a partial and biased way. Arguments, conversations, messages, everyday situations are narrated so that they always appear reasonable, calm and coherent, while the victim is portrayed as impulsive, unstable, exaggerated. These are not “simple misunderstandings”, but systematic manipulation of the narrative, aimed at undermining the victim’s credibility — first in others’ minds, then in her own.
Finally, these dynamics often extend outward through social manipulation, also known as smear campaign: a true “defamation campaign” in which the narcissist, subtly or explicitly, begins to speak badly of the victim to family members, friends, colleagues and social contacts. Using apparently concerned tones (“I’m sorry for her, but lately she’s not well”, “she’s very fragile, I don’t know how to help her”), they build a distorted image that makes her appear problematic, unstable, ungrateful or even aggressive. Thus, when the victim tries to speak about her suffering, she risks not being believed, because the ground has already been prepared in advance.
Together, projection, gaslighting, distortion of facts and smear campaign create a closed system in which the victim is isolated, worn down and deprived of internal and external reference points. Understanding these inversion strategies is not merely theoretical: it is the first step in naming what has been lived, returning responsibility to where it truly belongs and beginning to rebuild trust in one’s perception of reality.
Effects on the victim: when the soul becomes disoriented
The effects of narcissistic emulation and inversion of responsibility are not limited to superficial discomfort: they penetrate deeply, affecting the very identity of the victim. When someone copies your qualities, steals your light and, at the same time, attributes to you traits that do not belong to you, a devastating double psychological movement occurs: on one side you feel emptied of what makes you unique, on the other you are burdened with what you are not. It is a slow, silent process, often invisible from the outside, but internally corrosive.
Identity confusion
The victim begins to no longer recognize herself. What once felt natural — being empathetic, authentic, luminous — now seems diminished or even questioned. When the narcissist wears her qualities like a convincing costume, the outside world may start seeing him as the sensitive, deep and whole person. This produces profound disorientation: “If others see him like this, then who am I?”. The victim may begin to question what she sees, feels and even who she is, doubting her own values and goodness, until she experiences an internal fracture that painfully and silently erodes her sense of identity.
Self-devaluation
The constant implicit — or explicit — devaluation by the narcissist, combined with inevitable comparison with the “copied” version of her own qualities, leads the victim to feel inadequate. Emulation becomes a weapon: the narcissist not only replicates, but often surpasses her in appearance, presenting himself as even more empathetic, more generous, more authentic. This creates a dangerous mechanism of self-devaluation: the victim begins to feel defective, “less good”, wrong. Every criticism from the narcissist is internalized, turning into a judging inner voice that erodes self-esteem.
Relational isolation
Isolation arises not only from the victim’s emotional withdrawal, but also from the narcissist’s active strategy of manipulating others’ perceptions through fact distortion and smear campaigns. The victim may suddenly find herself seen with suspicion, considered unstable or selfish, while the narcissist, supported by his constructed mask, appears balanced, empathetic and virtuous. This creates painful isolation: friends, colleagues or family members may be unintentionally drawn into the narcissistic narrative, leaving the victim alone precisely when she needs support most. Isolation is not only social, but emotional: the victim stops trusting her sensations and struggles to ask for help.
Deep emotional suffering
When one’s identity is distorted and devalued, the resulting pain is intense. The victim may feel shame for something she did not do, guilt for faults that are not hers, and a deep sense of self-loss. Emotional suffering often manifests as anxiety, persistent sadness, a feeling of inner emptiness, difficulty concentrating and a constant state of alert. It is pain that does not stem from a single traumatic event, but from continuous, daily erosion that consumes from within. At times it manifests as a kind of ambiguous grief: grief for the stolen self-image, for broken trust, for the relational world that was manipulated.
How to get out: the path of reconstruction after the narcissistic shadow
Leaving a relationship — emotional, familial or professional — in which a narcissist has imitated, distorted and manipulated your identity is not immediate. It is a process that requires awareness, time, support and, above all, a deep return to oneself. After being immersed in an altered reality, where your qualities were first emulated and then used against you, mind and body need to reorient, to find a stable point, to understand what happened without guilt or shame.
Below are the fundamental pillars of rebirth.
Recognizing the mechanism
The first step is clearly seeing what happened. Narcissistic manipulation feeds on invisibility: until it is recognized, it continues operating in the shadows, sowing doubt, guilt and self-judgment. Understanding that the emulation of your qualities, emotional manipulation and role reversal were not reflections of your fragility, but relational strategies of the other, allows the mind to finally separate you from the narcissist’s behavior. Recognition is liberation: it gives a name to the pain, and what has a name can be transformed.
Observing coherence over time
The narcissist builds brilliant but incoherent masks: unkept promises, behaviors that change depending on the audience, emotional contradictions, displays of “empathy” that vanish when no longer useful. Looking back at the relationship as a whole — not only idealized moments — allows you to see the thread of inconsistency. The continuity of your qualities and the discontinuity of theirs reveal the truth: your authenticity was real; their imitation was not. Seeing the whole story dismantles the toxic narrative that confused you.
Establishing clear boundaries
Boundaries are not walls: they are vital protections. After exposure to manipulation, gaslighting or emotional distortion, re-establishing clear boundaries — communicative, emotional, physical, digital — is essential to rebuild safety and inner autonomy. Sometimes this means limiting contact; other times it means defining clear rules in unavoidable interactions (for example in family or work contexts). The boundary does not punish the narcissist: it saves you. It is the most concrete and powerful act to interrupt the destructive dynamic.
Seeking external support
Narcissistic manipulation leaves layers of confusion that are hard to untangle alone. External support — psychological, therapeutic or relational — offers a clean, non-manipulated mirror through which to rebuild a sense of reality. Therapy helps reconnect with your inner voice, restore trust in your perceptions and normalize emotional reactions that are often misunderstood or judged. External support reminds the victim of what the narcissist tried to erase: that her experience is valid, real and worthy of care.
Rebuilding your authentic identity
Once the fog lifts, the most precious part of the journey begins: returning to yourself. Rebuilding identity means rediscovering what belongs to you — values, desires, sensitivity, limits, talents — and reclaiming your inner light without fear that it will be imitated, stolen or distorted. It also means learning to recognize early signs of manipulation, choosing relationships that truly nourish, and developing an intrinsic sense of worth not dependent on others’ gaze. This phase is not just recovery: it is rebirth. A more conscious, grounded and free form of strength.
What can online therapy do?
When a person goes through a relationship with a narcissist who emulates and steals their inner qualities, the deepest wound is not always visible from the outside: it is the loss of one’s identity. The victim emerges from this dynamic confused, emptied, often convinced she is exactly what she has never been. Online therapy then becomes a protected, accessible and consistent place, a safe harbor in which to begin recomposing everything manipulation has fragmented.
In this space, the person is not judged, devalued or manipulated: finally, she can be seen. She can tell what happened without fear that her experience will be minimized, denied or distorted, as it was in the toxic relationship. It is here, in this frame of authenticity, that the work of restitution, clarification and reconnection with the deep self begins.
Online therapy helps recover those qualities the narcissist imitated and emptied of meaning. Empathy, goodness, authenticity, emotional depth: none of what characterizes the victim is truly lost, even if it may seem so. The therapist accompanies the person in a process of re-appropriation, helping her separate what truly comes from her from what was projected onto her. It is a fine but essential work of distinction, because it allows recognition that her sensitivity was not a defect, and that the light that was “stolen” still belongs to her, intact beneath layers of confusion.
Another fundamental process concerns decoding gaslighting. During the narcissistic relationship, reality perception is manipulated so consistently that even the strongest people begin to doubt themselves. In online therapy, step by step, what was distorted is brought back into focus. The person can finally understand which emotions were truly hers and which were induced, which dynamics were manipulative and which were forced interpretations. This restructuring of inner reality is crucial: without it, the victim remains trapped in doubt that paralyzes her.
Parallel to this, work is done on strengthening self-esteem. The narcissist systematically attacks the other’s value because they need to keep them dependent and fragile. Therapy slowly stitches back together what was torn: personal dignity, trust in one’s perceptions, the strength to defend one’s boundaries. Through a targeted path, new awareness emerges: the victim rediscovers that she has intrinsic value independent of any external approval, and that no manipulation can truly erase it.
A central element of the therapeutic path is rebuilding psychological boundaries. After being invaded, consumed and often annihilated by the narcissist, it is necessary to learn again to distinguish between self and other. In online therapy, one learns to recognize which relational dynamics are healthy and which are destructive, and above all to set clear, protective limits. This renewed mastery of inner boundaries allows the victim to stop repeating old patterns and protect herself from future emotional intrusions.
Therapy also offers a safe place to process relational trauma. Many experiences could never be expressed during the relationship, because every attempt at communication was invalidated or turned into an attack. Online, instead, emotions finally find space and a name: anger, fear, shame, disorientation, pain. Giving voice to these wounded parts allows them to be integrated and transformed, gradually reducing the weight of trauma and restoring a more stable and coherent sense of self.
Finally, online therapy offers a precious advantage: continuity. Being accessible from anywhere and at any stage of life, it allows constant support even when the victim lives in unstable situations, periods of isolation or moments when leaving home feels emotionally impossible. This regular presence becomes a secure anchor, a point of reference that accompanies the person throughout the healing journey.
Ultimately, online therapy does not merely restore what was wounded, but lights a new flame: that of awareness, inner strength and freedom. The same light the narcissist tried to obscure and appropriate, and which the victim can now finally bring back to the center of her life.
“When the narcissist steals your light, they do not become luminous: they simply make your ability to shine even after the shadow more evident.”
Bibliographic References:
Hall, J. L. (2019). The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.
Rosenberg, R. (2013). The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent–Narcissist Trap. Morgan James Publishing.
For information, write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it
WhatsApp contact: +39 370 321 73 51.
