The single pandemic: 8 psychological reasons behind a growing phenomenon
The single pandemic: 8 psychological reasons behind a growing phenomenon
If we desire connection, why do we keep choosing distance? What can online therapy do?
We live in an era in which opportunities for meeting are potentially infinite. Dating apps, social networks, mobility, individual freedom: never before has it been so possible to meet new people, weave relationships, build bonds. Yet, at the same time, we witness an increasingly evident and widespread phenomenon: a growing number of people remain single for long periods of time, often even when the desire for a relationship is present.
This apparent contradiction raises a fundamental question: if opportunities are not lacking, why do so many people remain alone?
The most common answer points to external factors — bad luck, wrong timing, lack of “the right people,” social changes — but these explanations, however reassuring, often prove insufficient. Limiting oneself to reading singleness as a contextual problem means ignoring a deeper, silent, and decisive dimension: the psychological one.
This is precisely where the perspective of Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., American psychologist and researcher, comes in. In her work — particularly in the article “Why Am I Still Single?” published on PsychAlive — she proposes a fundamental paradigm shift. According to Firestone, the condition of singleness does not depend primarily on a lack of opportunities or potential partners, but on internal psychological dynamics, often unconscious, that influence how people approach, choose, and live relationships.
Deep fears, defense mechanisms, relational patterns learned in early affective experiences, and the so-called “critical inner voices” act as invisible forces that orient our choices. They not only determine who attracts us, but also how we react when someone truly gets close. In many cases, what from the outside appears as disinterest, self-sufficiency, or a simple “choice to remain single” is actually the result of a complex strategy of emotional self-protection.
Firestone highlights a crucial aspect: the desire for connection and the fear of intimacy can coexist within the same person. On one hand there is a longing for a deep bond; on the other, there is fear of what intimacy entails — vulnerability, emotional dependence, the possibility of loss, the reactivation of old wounds. This internal conflict generates apparently contradictory behaviors: idealizing the perfect partner and rejecting the real one, moving closer and then pulling away, choosing unavailable partners, ending a relationship just as it begins to become meaningful.
From this perspective, singleness ceases to be read as a personal failure or a random condition and instead becomes a coherent expression of a psychological functioning. A functioning that, although born with the intention of protecting us from pain, often ends up isolating us and confirming the very negative beliefs we would like to overcome.
The aim of this article is to go beyond superficial explanations of singleness and offer a deep psychological reading inspired by the work of Lisa Firestone. Through the analysis of the main internal dynamics that hinder the construction of intimate relationships, the article intends to help the reader recognize their own patterns, understand their fears, and question not so much why they do not meet the right person, but how they position themselves emotionally within relationships.
Understanding these dynamics does not mean blaming oneself, but gaining awareness. Because only by bringing to light what operates in the shadows does it become possible to transform singleness from an unconscious defense into an authentic choice — or, for those who desire it, to finally open themselves to the possibility of a deeper, real, and conscious bond.
The invisible roots of singleness: the 8 psychological reasons according to Lisa Firestone
In the work of Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., singleness is never interpreted as a simple marital status or as the result of unfavorable external circumstances. On the contrary, it emerges as the coherent expression of a complex internal psychological functioning, often unconscious, that guides relational choices far beyond conscious will. Firestone emphasizes how many people deeply desire a meaningful relationship, yet at the same time enact emotional strategies that make it difficult, if not impossible, to build and maintain one. At the base of this apparent contradiction are eight main psychological reasons, which do not act in isolation but intertwine and reinforce one another.
Fear of intimacy
Fear of intimacy represents one of the central knots in Firestone’s perspective. Intimacy does not simply mean physical closeness or daily sharing, but emotional exposure, authenticity, and the willingness to be seen for who one truly is. For many people, however, this openness reactivates painful emotional memories: early experiences of rejection, devaluation, or affective instability. As a result, closeness is unconsciously associated with suffering. Even when the desire for connection is present, the body and mind react as if intimacy were a threat. Avoiding vulnerability thus becomes a form of protection that allows emotional control to be maintained, but at the cost of profound relational loneliness.
Low self-esteem and critical inner voices
Another fundamental pillar in Firestone’s thinking is the role of critical inner voices, an expression of low self-esteem rooted in the individual’s relational history. These inner voices, often internalized in early significant relationships, communicate devaluing and punitive messages: “you are not enough,” “you do not deserve love,” “sooner or later you will be abandoned.” Even when they are not fully conscious, these beliefs deeply influence the way a person enters relationships. The fear of not being good enough or of being exposed as “defective” leads to maintaining emotional distance or sabotaging relationships from the outset, before the other can truly get close and confirm — or disprove — these deep beliefs.
Repetition of past relational patterns
Firestone points out that human beings tend to repeat, often unconsciously, relational dynamics learned in childhood. Attraction to emotionally unavailable partners or to relationships characterized by distance, ambivalence, or instability is not accidental, but responds to a need for familiarity. Even when these dynamics are painful, they are predictable and therefore less threatening than the unknown. In this sense, the so-called “emotional comfort zone” does not coincide with well-being, but with what is familiar. Re-proposing childhood patterns allows one to avoid the risk of new relational modalities, but keeps the person trapped in cycles that confirm old wounds.
Self-sabotaging behaviors
These internal patterns often translate into evident self-sabotaging behaviors on a relational level. Avoidance of real involvement, emotional distance, hyper-selectivity, or excessive idealization of the other become strategies to reduce anxiety linked to intimacy. In many cases, the relationship is interrupted or cooled precisely when it begins to become meaningful. When the other truly approaches, challenging defenses built over time, the internal system reacts with flight. Sabotage is not a conscious act, but an automatic response to a perceived threat.
Idealization of the partner and unrealistic expectations
According to Firestone, idealization of the partner represents one of the most sophisticated defenses. Constructing an unreachable ideal allows one to avoid confrontation with relational reality, made up of imperfections, limits, and conflicts. No real person can compete with the idealized image, and this justifies emotional withdrawal or closure. Idealization protects from authentic intimacy because it keeps the other at a distance, transforming the relationship into a concept rather than a lived experience. In this way, loneliness is masked as high standards or presumed selectivity.
Fear of rejection
Fear of rejection constitutes one of the most powerful emotions in determining relational behavior. The fear of being hurt, judged, or abandoned pushes many people to actively avoid situations that might expose them emotionally. Preventive withdrawal becomes a strategy to avoid pain, but ends up confirming negative beliefs about oneself. Loneliness is thus experienced as a controllable safety: painful, but predictable. In this sense, fear of rejection does not protect from suffering, but crystallizes it.
Difficulty sharing one’s life
Another significant obstacle concerns the difficulty of sharing one’s life with another individual. Consolidated habits, rigid routines, and a strong investment in personal autonomy make it complex to make space for a deep relationship. Sharing is perceived as a threat to one’s identity or freedom, rather than as an experience of mutual enrichment. This resistance often reflects a deeper fear of emotional dependence and loss of control.
Fear of change
At the base of all these reasons, Firestone identifies fear of change. Every significant relationship implies emotional, practical, and identity transformations. Entering a relationship means accepting uncertainty, tolerating not knowing, and giving up a rigid image of oneself. Remaining single, despite its burden of loneliness, allows one to preserve familiar internal balances. The comfort zone, even if limiting, appears less threatening than the change that intimacy inevitably entails.
When protecting oneself means remaining alone: the invisible conflict at the center of singleness
The common thread that runs through and unites all eight identified reasons is nothing other than a powerful mechanism of emotional self-protection. Remaining single, in this perspective, is not simply a condition or a random choice, but becomes a true strategy of psychological survival. A strategy born with the aim of avoiding pain, affective failure, vulnerability, and change, but which ends up transforming into a silent cage. The mind, in an attempt to protect the individual from emotional experiences perceived as too threatening, builds defenses that limit access to intimacy. These deep-rooted psychological defenses, often developed in early significant childhood relationships, initially had an adaptive function: protecting from emotionally unstable environments, unpredictable figures, or experiences of rejection or devaluation. However, what was once necessary to survive emotionally becomes, in adulthood, an obstacle to connection. The very defenses that maintain a sense of control and safety end up isolating, preventing authentic encounter with the other.
At the center of this system lies a deep and often unrecognized internal conflict: on one side, the universal and powerful human desire for connection, belonging, and intimacy; on the other, fear of the consequences that intimacy entails. Loving means exposing oneself, losing part of control, accepting the risk of suffering and change. For many people, this risk is perceived as too high. Thus, the desire for relationship is experienced simultaneously as something to seek and to fear. Singleness then becomes the apparent point of balance between these two opposing poles: it allows one not to completely give up the idea of love, but makes it possible to keep it at a safe distance. In this ambiguous space, the person remains protected, but also deeply alone. Understanding this conflict does not mean judging or pathologizing singleness, but recognizing that, very often, behind “remaining alone” there is not an absence of desire, but an excess of fear. It is precisely in this knot, between protection and isolation, that the possibility of transformation is played out.
Beyond singleness: from defense mechanism to possibility of choice
In light of Lisa Firestone’s perspective, singleness loses the meaning of personal failure or individual lack and reveals itself for what it often is: the coherent outcome of a complex system of emotional patterns, psychological defenses, and relational modalities learned over time. It is not something that “doesn’t work” in the person, but something that worked for a long time to protect them. The same strategies that allowed emotional survival in difficult relational contexts continue to act even when they are no longer necessary, keeping the individual in a position of apparent safety but real isolation.
Recognizing these mechanisms represents a fundamental step, because what is not seen cannot be transformed. Bringing fears, critical inner voices, and repeated relational models to light does not mean blaming oneself, but recovering the possibility of choice. It is precisely awareness that allows the interruption of old automatisms and the construction of new ways of being in relationship, more aligned with authentic needs and less driven by fear.
From this perspective, opening oneself to a relationship does not simply mean “finding someone,” but gradually becoming capable of tolerating the intimacy, vulnerability, and change that encountering the other inevitably entails. Transformation does not occur suddenly or without difficulty, but through a gradual process of understanding and integration of the self. When singleness ceases to be an unconscious defense, it can become an authentic choice or finally make space for more conscious, healthy, and deeply fulfilling relationships.
What can online therapy do?
In light of Lisa Firestone’s perspective, if singleness is often the result of deeply rooted psychological defenses and a profound fear of intimacy, then therapeutic work becomes a privileged space to learn, gradually and safely, a new way of being in relationship. In this sense, online therapy represents a particularly effective resource, because it first of all offers a protected and accessible environment in which the person can begin to explore their relational difficulties while reducing anxiety linked to emotional exposure. Being in one’s own physical, familiar, and controllable space fosters a sense of safety that makes it easier to open up, lower defenses, and give voice to fears, resistances, and ambivalences that often remain unexplored.
Within this setting, therapeutic work allows the development of progressive awareness of one’s relational patterns, helping the person recognize how fears, defenses, and self-sabotaging behaviors learned in the past continue to influence the present. Following Firestone’s model, online therapy becomes the space in which to bring to light the “critical inner voices,” devaluing beliefs, and emotional scripts that unconsciously guide affective choices. This process of understanding does not aim to forcibly eliminate defenses, but to understand their meaning and function, so that they can be gradually transformed.
A central element of this path is the therapeutic relationship itself, which becomes a true model of a secure relationship. The therapist, through a stable, empathic, and non-judgmental presence, offers a corrective relational experience that counteracts internalized models of rejection, devaluation, or instability. In the caring relationship, the person experiences the possibility of being seen, heard, and accepted without having to renounce themselves, learning experientially that vulnerability does not necessarily lead to pain, but can be supported and contained.
At the same time, online therapy promotes the learning of concrete relational skills, often never truly developed or practiced. Through clinical work, the person learns to recognize and communicate their needs, to express emotions in a more regulated way, to tolerate conflict, and to develop more assertive communication. These skills do not remain confined to the therapeutic space, but become tools usable in daily life, improving the quality of affective interactions.
Another fundamental aspect concerns the restructuring of affective choices. As awareness increases, the person begins to recognize dysfunctional attractions, interrupt the automatic repetition of past relational patterns, and orient themselves toward healthier and more available bonds. This process is closely linked to the construction of a more secure sense of self: as self-esteem grows and critical inner voices lose power, the capacity to tolerate intimacy without experiencing it as a threat also increases. Trust in the possibility of creating authentic connections is strengthened, not as an illusion, but as a progressively verifiable experience.
Finally, what is elaborated and experienced in therapy finds a natural application in real life. The new relational modalities learned — greater emotional presence, greater awareness of one’s limits and needs, less avoidance — allow the person to build more stable, balanced, and satisfying relationships. From this perspective, online therapy does not limit itself to addressing singleness as a symptom, but becomes a true relational laboratory, in which one learns, step by step, to be in relationship in a freer, more conscious, and more authentic way.
“In the end, it is not love that frightens us, but the possibility of finally meeting ourselves through the other.”
References
- Firestone, L. (2015). Why Am I Still Single? PsychAlive.
- Firestone, R. W., Firestone, L., & Catlett, J. (2006). Fear of Intimacy. American Psychological Association.
- Firestone, R. W., Firestone, L., & Catlett, J. (2012). Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice. New Harbinger Publications.
For information, write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact: consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, WhatsApp contact: +39 370 321 73 51.
