Narcissistic mother: 10 clues
Narcissistic mother: 10 clues
What are the characteristics of a narcissistic mother? How does she behave with her children? What can online therapy do?
The narcissistic mother is not truly empathetic, but is so focused on herself and her own needs that she is unable to understand the suffering of others, she has difficulty putting herself in their shoes and understanding their emotions. The clues to recognize if one is dealing with a narcissistic mother are ten:
Others do not exist
Other people’s belongings are given away without their permission, what they say does not matter, nor do their thoughts and feelings. Yet she always wants to be kept informed of everything, especially about painful things, and this not because she really cares, but only to later use them to strike others, to make them feel wrong or guilty. There is no privacy for anyone, anywhere, at any time. Other people’s time is organized without having been consulted or having had a chance to express an opinion. When discussing someone who is present, she speaks as if that person were not there. One must dress and present themselves as she wants, while any request for independence is promptly ridiculed.
Never question her
Everything she does is always justified and makes logical sense. The cruelty she enacts must be interpreted as a gesture of love, as are her aggressive and hostile actions. Slander and criticism are often passed off as concern and attention towards others. If she has done something good and positive, the same cannot be said of others. If someone makes a mistake, first they are ignored and then later punished with a truly cruel act. She is always right and everyone must submit to her. When she criticizes she always makes comparisons to belittle someone and make them feel inadequate. Confronting such a mother is practically impossible, one is always afraid of her, feels wrong, and cannot contradict her. Her abuses are based on control and never carried out in the presence of third parties. As a manipulator, the narcissistic mother has as a distinctive trait that of being very reserved. In public she almost seems like another person. If she criticizes and devalues someone in front of others, she does so by speaking of gossip and malice and then says she is concerned for that person, that she loves and understands them.
She plays favorites
The narcissistic mother chooses two children: one will be the perfect child while the other the scapegoat. She identifies with the good child, rewards them and grants them privileges so that they do exactly what she wants. All family members must necessarily take care of the good child. The other child (the scapegoat), instead, needs nothing; indeed, they must be the one to take care of the good child, who is perfect and never wrong. For the mother the scapegoat is always wrong and if something negative happens it is their fault. All this inevitably creates great divisions among the children. The good child will defend the mother and will also indirectly continue the abuse and find new excuses to blame the other child.
She is envious and competitive
The narcissistic mother always finds a way to obtain what others have. Envy often includes sexual competition with a daughter or with a daughter-in-law. For example, she may want to prevent her daughter from wearing makeup, criticizing her appearance. When envy extends to relationships, the narcissistic mother is driven to damage her children’s marriages or interfere in the upbringing and education of grandchildren.
She makes others look crazy
When she is confronted by someone about something she has done, she immediately says that the action was not really understood or that she has no idea what the interlocutor is talking about; she may say she does not remember or even deny that certain events ever happened. This is a tactic called gaslighting and is common to all types of abusers. Reality perception is continually put into question until the other loses confidence in their own intuitions, reasoning ability, and memory. Whoever falls into this trap becomes the abuser’s best victim. She will go so far as to say that the person she is speaking to is unstable, has problems, or is crazy. After constructing fantasies about the other’s emotional pathologies, she presents them to everyone as expressions of concern. She pretends not to know why the other hurts her, while she instead loves them so much and would do anything to help them and make them happy. In this way the narcissistic mother absolves herself of any responsibility for others’ dislike of her and at the same time highlights that there is something wrong with the other person, to the point of making them feel anger towards her. In the eyes of those who listen, she will thus appear to be the perfect and impeccable woman, while the other ends up being seen as crazy and a liar.
She is the center of the world
This is a distinctive peculiarity of narcissists, especially of the narcissistic mother, who in a sense forces her children to adore her and to give her exclusive care and attention. The world revolves entirely around her, her children have no needs, no feelings, as if they did not exist since they are only an extension of herself, therefore they serve solely to satisfy her.
She is a liar
Like all narcissists, the narcissistic mother has a tendency to lie and invent things that never happened in order to play the victim. She pretends to be ill, twists everything to her advantage, invents facts or phrases supposedly said by someone with the aim of dividing and alienating people.
She tends to be mean and aggressive
The narcissistic mother uses fear to raise and educate her children, the only alternative is constant calm. One must always give her everything she needs, and if this does not happen, the children are punished. She also issues orders, makes excessive demands, and if she thinks she can get her way she takes everything she wants. Her demands are made aggressively. Her criticism is often very harsh and she does not tolerate being contradicted, going so far as to pressure others to achieve her goal.
She never admits she is wrong
The narcissistic mother will never sincerely and genuinely apologize because she never makes mistakes. She always turns everything to her advantage, minimizes her behaviors, justifies herself by saying that if she reacted in a certain way it is because the other person did something to her.
She is petty and childish
The narcissistic mother is immature and childish. If someone refuses to be manipulated by her, she yells and complains of not being loved. If she is not indulged and satisfied in something, she threatens not to return love and respect anymore. She must always be satisfied by her children since she has sacrificed her whole life for them. This is a true blackmail, and if she does not get what she wants she plays on guilt.
What can online therapy do?
Through online therapy we will work on the traumas that a narcissistic mother has left on her children during their lives; traumas that need to be framed and processed, in order to no longer have a life conditioned by this maternal imago (image), which has nevertheless compromised the development of the son/daughter, and to regain serenity in every field. A narcissistic mother can leave deep emotional wounds in a child’s soul that deconstruct their fragmented inner image. This type of mother does not see the child as an individual, but as an extension of herself. By not recognizing their individuality, she causes terrible self-esteem problems, feeding in the child a false self that molds itself to the needs of the people they meet, showing in some cases a dependent attitude or in others an avoidant attitude. The disconnection from their authentic part causes the child emotional suffering, for which online therapy allows work to reconnect with the deepest self.
For information write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, whatsapp contact 370 32 17 351.
