Attachment and love: how do you love your partner?
Attachment and love: how do you love your partner?
Did you know that the bonds and relationships we establish as adults largely depend on the attachment style we developed as children?
Are we sure that the people we are dating are truly those we like, or are we just trying to fill unmet needs, fears, or dependencies?
What does “attachment” mean?
When we talk about attachment, we refer to the behavior adopted by the child in the first periods of life, which motivates them to seek the presence of a parent—or caregiver—in times of fear, stress, emotional or physical pain, or intense emotions.
The attachment style will then be shaped by the parents’ responses in those precise situations, and by their ability to make the child feel welcomed, protected, and heard.
Later in life, the term attachment can refer to the way a person bonds with situations, people, family members, or partners. The way adults experience relationships, and their vision of the world, depends greatly on the type of attachment bond formed in childhood.
The main attachment styles
Mary Ainsworth, psychologist and student of John Bowlby—the father of attachment theory—outlined three main attachment styles in the 1970s. In 1990, Main and Solomon added a fourth category for children who did not fit into the original three patterns. Let’s look at them in detail:
- Secure prototype: a balance between autonomy and intimacy (closeness to others). These individuals handle relationships with greater ease, have a positive self-image and a positive view of others, believe they are lovable and worthy of love, and assume others are sensitive and well-disposed.
- Preoccupied prototype: characterized by high levels of anxiety and concern about relationships. These people often feel needy of attention and support, sometimes to an extreme degree. They are unstable, hypersensitive, prone to self-devaluation, dependent on others’ judgments, and inclined to idealize others excessively.
- Dismissive–avoidant prototype: intimacy is denied. These individuals display exaggerated independence and promote their own invulnerability. They maintain an overly positive self-image while devaluing others. To preserve this “perfect” self-image, they distance themselves emotionally, and over time they come to see themselves as totally autonomous. Autonomy and self-esteem are achieved not in a healthy way, but by cutting off intimacy.
- Fearful prototype: intimacy is both desired and feared. These individuals hold a negative view of both themselves and others. They want closeness and relationships but fear rejection, so they avoid social situations in the first place.
It is important to note that an individual can develop more than one attachment style over the course of life. A professional evaluation can help to identify these dynamics step by step.
Further research on the subject
In 1982, Weiss suggested that child–parent attachment and adult attachment differ. While infant attachment is essentially one-sided (the child seeks care but cannot provide security), in adulthood both partners give and receive protection—there is reciprocity.
In 1990, Bartholomew provided further insights into attachment styles, again highlighting four prototypes that correspond to the internal image each individual has of themselves:
- Secure prototype: balance between autonomy and intimacy, positive self-image, positive image of others.
- Preoccupied prototype: high concern about relationships, dependence, instability, hypersensitivity, tendency to idealize others.
- Dismissive–avoidant prototype: exaggerated independence, emotional distancing, inflated self-image, negative view of others.
- Fearful prototype: fear of intimacy, negative self-image and negative view of others, avoidance of social situations due to fear of rejection.
Again, it is important to stress that attachment styles may shift or overlap throughout life.
Parental attachment and couple attachment
In 1987, Hazan and Shaver provided an important contribution by distinguishing between childhood parental attachment and adult romantic attachment. Their results showed that the difference lies in the development of different internal working models.
In short:
- A secure person does not fear abandonment, appreciates closeness, has self-esteem, and trusts in social relationships.
- An avoidant person fears abandonment, does not appreciate closeness, and does not trust others.
- An anxious person fears abandonment but desires closeness; however, they maintain a negative image of both themselves and others.
The study also highlighted gender-related differences in how these patterns play out in romantic relationships.
Differences in attachment in men and women
For women, anxiety has often been associated with negative experiences and low relationship satisfaction. Women with anxious tendencies often show little trust in their partner, while men perceive an insecure partner as a threat.
Men who are capable of closeness—meaning they value intimacy, listening, sensitivity, and the ability to confide—tend to be more attractive to their partners. Similarly, men also value warmth, sensitivity, and communicative ability in their female partners.
Online therapeutic intervention to work on attachment patterns
As we have seen, attachment styles take root in childhood and often repeat into adulthood, shaping relationships—for better or worse. This means relationships may flourish or, conversely, collapse under the weight of dysfunctional patterns.
Working on these patterns is possible. Understanding them—and understanding oneself—helps to break free from dysfunctional models learned in the past, to evolve in the present, and to plant new seeds of transformation for healthier relationships in the future. Online therapy can be very effective in this context, and group psychotherapy is also highly recommended.
Conclusion
And you—what attachment style do you think you developed as a child? Do you recognize yourself in one or more of those described above? How do they affect your adult relationships?
For more information, contact Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, Whatsapp 370 32 17 351.
