Jealousy: useful or harmful?
Jealousy: useful or harmful?
What are the differences between positive and negative jealousy? What fears lie behind the feeling of jealousy? How should you behave to prevent jealousy from becoming pathological? What can online therapy do?
Jealousy, like shame, sadness, or joy, is a feeling. Specifically, a feeling fundamentally driven by the fear of losing someone or something that we (mistakenly) think we possess.
Difference between positive jealousy and negative jealousy
Let’s start by specifying the difference between positive and negative jealousy. The latter, the harmful kind, makes you ill. We are faced with excessive control, a completely misleading idea of possession, intrusive thoughts, and physical symptoms such as insomnia, which have a negative impact on our psychophysical well-being.
Positive jealousy, on the other hand, is something lighter, playful; it is not based on the idea of possession but on that of introducing a bit of spice, liveliness, and passion into the relationship. Playfulness and lightness are in fact the main traits that characterize this second way of experiencing jealousy within a couple. It’s a moderate jealousy that indicates the fear of losing the other due to outside interference, an interest in the other, but without limiting or manipulating them, or—worse—developing symptoms of malaise, obsessive visions, or anxieties.
Characteristics of a jealous person
In most cases, however, negative jealousy shows up more frequently. Let’s look at the distinguishing traits of a jealous person:
- terror of losing someone who makes them feel good,
- fear of abandonment (due to sudden reasons and circumstances),
- fear of being in competition with others and not being the first choice,
- envy of other people’s relationships, as they are seen as problems or threats.
Understanding when we’re going beyond healthy jealousy
Certain situations and circumstances can be a warning sign to understand whether we are going too far with jealousy:
- fear of abandonment, often experienced irrationally, to the point of bordering on a depressive phase;
- constant doubts about the truthfulness of anything one’s partner does;
- invading the other person’s privacy (social media, phone, computer, bank account, etc.);
- aggressive attitudes toward the partner and toward those they spend time with or who are around them;
- extreme drop in self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy.
On these traits, the main risk is that harmful jealousy can lead to a real emotional dependence on the other person. Excessive jealousy creates fertile ground for dependent relationships. This happens because, even though we think we don’t need anyone, we cling excessively to another person, shifting the focal point of personal support and nourishment from ourselves to others, to something external to us, over which we cannot control actions, thoughts, or attitudes; thinking we can control our partner to avoid the worst only gives us an illusory idea of the relationship, which risks becoming toxic and eventually ending, sooner or later, in tragedy or suffering.
And for those who are on the receiving end of jealousy?
Those who are on the receiving end of jealousy that is still acceptable for a healthy relationship and healthy communication could follow these guidelines:
- active listening to the partner’s fears;
- containing and modifying those behaviors that create arguments and trigger jealousy, making the other person feel appreciated and understood;
- showing consideration toward one’s partner even in the presence of others, avoiding neglecting them, and choosing inclusion where possible.
What can online therapy do
Online therapy can help identify the presence of disorders linked to jealousy, on a psychophysical level, which over time could undermine romantic relationships and the image one has of oneself. It also works on relational patterns learned in childhood, as well as on trust, self-esteem, and self-love; and on a whole series of conflicting and debilitating emotions such as insecurities, frustrations, fears, and intrusive thoughts that can undermine the way we relate to others—regaining the freedom to love and be loved in a healthy way.
For information, write to Dr. Jessica Zecchini.
Email contact consulenza@jessicazecchini.it, WhatsApp contact +39 370 32 17 351.
